a not so very proud pride

so i got back into town just in time for pride weekend. youd think that, living in the castro id be all over that shit. I just wasnt feeling so up to party though...planned on heading over to dykemarch but it was so cold and i kept wasting time sitting around reading, actually thats about all j and i felt like doing all weekend. we did manage to do our laundry downstairs and thus saw a parade of dykes skip by on market street. this got us sufficiently energized to head out into pink party for like ten minutes. it was crowded and some chicks were naked. we drank a cider and refused to dance to that stupid usher song that the youth i work with listen to. my little pink outfit showed some pride and got my ass laid that night...then the next day mis padres were in town and we were planning on taking them to the parade. they called at 8am to say they were on the way and should be here by 11. i went back to sleep until 10:30 then i went shopping and got some extra syrup, j and i did a whiz cleanup and i started cooking up a pile a pancakes. theres a lot of them..and except me and kermit they all huge...hell if it wasnt for my 4yr old nephew id literally be the smallest in the fam. not really fair considering that im practically the oldest as number two of 6 kids and my older sister was in foster care or group homes or jail most of the time...leaving me as the nominal authority in her absence..anyway so like noon my brother calls me and says they are running late but they just checked in and are headed to his place. its like one when he calls back and says they have arrived and about to hit transit to my pad. half an hour later he calls to tell my they stopped for coffee first. with all that breakfast wasnt served till two, we missed the parade altogether, and as usual in the prescence of my large loud white trash familia i found myself feeling somewhat remote and strange,very much akin to being on lsd. i decided it was probably that esspresso milkshake i had, plus my family makes me crazy..this goes without saying. it wasnt bad though really. we did a barbeque at kermits place and if theres one thing my big old fam digs its sitting around eating and shooting the shit...a few friends stopped by out of curiosity or empathy or some combo thereof. i always appreciate that (thanks cheets ;) its a chance for me to see them from outside of myself. i can let comments about how getting spanked never hurt me slide by with a mumbled "years of therapy", and appreciate what a great storyteller that papa r is...not to mention that from a little distance they are all pretty cute, even my sister with the missing front teeth (i WISH i was kidding) they all kinda look alike, heavy with my dads beaky nose, even kermit got the nose..they resemble nothing so much as cute little lawn gnomes from afar. my mama the born again wiccan in her handmade hemp jewelry and tie die with the crazy bleached blond curls, my dad in omnipresent cowboy hats and maybe little braids in his thinnning hair and long tangled beard..my sisters who are enormous, litterally tower over me in all directions, seen together its kinda cute how much they look alike and my little nephew, kermit and i call him chachi..well hes a doll. looks like emily and kate did when they were small, all blond with great big eyes.. sometimes i feel really overwhelmed by them all. they are all so loud and with the touching and hugging...im not so crazy about all of that, makes me feel like im getting drowned out and squished simultaneously. and how loud they are in public, swapping stories with the bus driver and making not so funny jokes..it makes me squirm...i was alway pathalogically shy beneath a feigned exterior of outgoing...people who think im loud and talk fast just havent met my fam..but i liked seeing them. as much as its difficult and brings these crazy fucked up memories back..i see my little nephews dirty face and unmatched socks and i remember being that child who from all appearances nobody really cared about. but when i watch them i know that isnt true. the fam is really very loving, they just show it a little..differently shall we say. a friend pointed out how much they all obviously enjoy each others company.. ah. they sure do put the fun back in disfunctional.