i came for the drama

actually no.
so sunday pretty much sucked ass...
timing timing timing...
its odd cause its like when i could hear j on the phone, it made sense what he was saying, like hitting yourself in the head with an artichoke which they do here its like when you realize something that you knew already but didnt know you knew...and its more like...
me peguè un alcachofazo..
i think...anyway the point is that i was like oh right you completely cant have a relationship with someone who is in a whole nother country that totally doesnt even make any kind of sense...
so it made sense but it felt like hell...
so i walked around all day with loud sad angry sad loud loud loud music on...every time i came home i had to just turn around and go back out...
kept hitting the same fuckin park over and over...
listening to counting crows...
i was a mess...
and i looked like hell too..this was so far beyond blank gringa face this was like the double whammy just got left twice alone with no sex and the city no cheets and vic no ben and jerrys just me and the streets
and i couldnt fuckin take it
it was just off the goddam charts
i had banked on breaking through this thing with the kid, you know like bashing your head into a wall, it hurts at first and then it fuckin stops...
stopping is good
but adding this thing with j on top of that was too much...so i emailed him cause i couldnt call cause i had already deleted numbers from phone
...thats right i have no impulse control...
so the whole fucking day im walking sometimes running blank broken hearted gringa face feeling physically ill like there is this pain in my chest and it feels like an empty space opened up inside me and i am collapsing inward which increases when i lessen physical distance, like walking up his street...
and its all mixed up together, j and this and missing my peeps...it pretty much sucked.
so i finally go back to the park, having all day resisted just walking up to his door cause i promised myself i wouldnt and i thought maybe this was for the best and of course there he is and suddenly im ok.
not great, or bursting with joy. but im fine.
so im all..
where the hell have you been ive been through this fuckin place like seven times today...
and hes like man i been here for over an hour where the hell were you..
i walked in the opposite direction as far as i could and still ended up on your street...and it was a beautiful day with all these fuckin happy children playing and he says yeah i almost ran over a few on my bike..and i went up your street too...so at this point we too tired to figure out what everyone is sposed to do. he says hes sorry about the stuff with j.
i say me too.
si estas leyendo jeramias te amo mucho y para siempre porque eres parte mejor de yo y espero mas que nada que pueda encontrarte otra vez con pies que quieren quedar...