all my exes live in texas

or at least thats what pops up when i type an a. and i couldnt think of anything better. so i am running around trying to pack. just had the big going away bash slash art party benefit ect. it was pretty great, lots of people came out and i looked amazing in this crazy little outfit consisting of a black lace skirt and pink sequined top, and i got to listen to v play and my brother got really drunk and obnoxious but in a cute and funny way and people i havent seen in a while came out and some people didnt but i guess thats the way the cookie crumbles. its really wierd how for like the last 3 months people have been saying to me you must be so excited and in reply i smile a sickly little grimace of a grin and say well terrified might be a better word. as i prepared to leave my partner of almost 3 years now who is moving in with roomates for the year, and my apartment and the friends who are like family and go to what i hear is an academically rigorous school where everyone will be speaking spanish ALL THE TIME it all basically kept my belly knotted up from the continual fear of being alone in another country while everyone i love is here speaking english for a year and my ass trying to get along in literature classes with my broke up spanish...and so surprisingly i find that we are all switching places. One close friend called me up today all choked up about im gonna miss you and ect and its really strange because for the past few weeks i had been really feeling how much i will miss those i love...as well as tons of anxiety about how i have to find a place in like five days once i get there, and the thought of interviewing for a place in spanish....... and there has been this insane like war inside me, where every time i get to spend time with those i love i want to cry because they wont be around for a year. and i guess maybe its just that whole irony robert stack narrating my subconscious mind thing cause now that folks are like jonesin for me im getting really excited about going. i did missing them and feeling scared early which is cool cause now i get to be soooooo excited! desafortunamente this means i am not much help to anyone who says they will miss me cause all i can see is bright sky and the andes and nerudas chile and salvador allende after whom my teddy bear is named and i decided in the midst of packing to take his ass with me and stopped j to ask how to say bear in spanish...