power puff

so i woke up sobbing and clutching sal uncertain for a moment what it was that made me feel fragile made of glass and completely shattered. then i remembered.

the emotional equivalent of nagasaki.
the big love of my life telling me hes so fuckin serious abt someone he started dating like a month ago that we are a complete thing of the past and there will be no lets see no maybe we can make this work even after a year no there will be none of that because hes already got a new girlfriend and he hopes we can be friends

i hope his face explodes but thats just me. at least im honest i want him to hurt as much as he is hurting me.

i like to skip right past grief and move straight to rage, rage i know and can live with. grief i cant. this slow pull hes been doing since i left this dance of you left me first now im leaving you back well its fucking done. at the very least he cant do any more damage. its always the sweet ones mark my words, cause they cant even admit to themselves what they are doing...yeah i know what if everything isnt about me what if this is just such a fucking special connection with some chick he apparently just met that it really does take precedance over being my partner of three years....hmm let me think about that. fuckin bullshit. he could easily have said im dating someone and that would be it, he didnt have to say well i guess thats it for us and i hope we can be friends...

this is bombs dropping this is final solution and there is lots of collateral damage and the infrastructure is fucked i mean people dont have water the hospitals are closed my chest is caving in. this fucking gotdam hurts ok?

but maybe since i have two more months here to get used to the idea i can be in the rebuilding phase when i get back maybe i can finally move on from one of the bigger crashes my dumb ass has ever seen. sorry to keep mixing metaphors like that but im still in the grief stage i cant help it. seriously.

in the spirit of moving swiftly from devastation to rage i dragged my sad sack of stupid self out of bed and showered quickly then pulled out the second shortest pink mini and pink top the idea being to radiate power...pink power that is, with the pink chucks and all...kinda worked...but not really.

i got a glimpse in the mirror and my face was pale but with a reddish tinge of holding back tears i looked like devastation i looked like clearcut desert salt sown in soil afganistan.

and i am.

but just for today.