¿How do you like me NOW Fat Boy?
i have made an important decision
motivated in part by the cold grey depressing day that was yesterday..sunday always sucks...it always rains, i always need to study, im always missing somebody and walking in the rain listening to like i said songs...
i mean at home sunday is a little gloomy, here its downright depressing...chile is like smoking pot, it enhances everything...that can be good or bad..thats why im a crazy mood swinging pmsin manic depressive bitch up in here..
maybe its the proximity to monday..maybe its the knowledge that homework must now be done...maybe its that everything here is closed, seems like everyone just dissapeared
now monday seriously sucks....
puta lunes
no me gusta para nada
bien...
see saturday is usually pretty damn nice, this last one had some issues and i think that lack of sleep and food were pretty big in the making of an issueful satidy...
and the not so good saturday made for a shittier than usual sunday..i mean it was aight by the end of the day, you know like how you just kinda glum it up and then finally you get tired of being so gloomy and you do some fuckin homework...
but thats not my point, my point is that on the upswing of a pretty glum sunday i came up with a brilliant plan...
not content to let everyone else have the last say, from the kid to the j to good ole wes who has barely entered my existence in recent years and thinks he can show up now that my heart has been broken into a bazillion bits, not to offer support but talk shit abt its all my fault anyway w just barely veiled illusions to our not so pretty breakup of what 5 YEARS AGO?????
well my friends, and let me be clear darlings, to the three dudes i just mentioned, i love you each very much in very different ways and i think you are all spectacular and stunning...in fact probably the thing that you particular three have in common is that you are each amazingly, stunningly compassionate, kind, careful of not hurting those around you and i appreciate that a whole bunch...i really do, im not even kidding abt that but the fact is that i have been bouncing through stages of grief like a ping pong ball...and i need to work through a little bit of anger right now.....
so as much as i appreciate that none of you would intentionally hurt anyone, you are pretty much all hurting ME right this fuckin minute...
so.
in order that i can have the last say and reject your rejection of me, i have decided to reject myself. i know that doesnt quite make sense but in a way it does..
thats right im dumping myself, i have just outdumped all of you, and i get all the fabulous consolation prizes...the crazy t shirt, i get that...
yeah...it was pretty sad, i decided on this course last night over some cookies and tea and decided first thing monday morning i would break up with me...
i mean the sex was amazing, and i loved going for walks and talking about everything and dancing and listening to music and reading me passages of poetry out loud..and lets get serious for a second, im pretty fuckin cute...damn. i am one sexy bitch actually and im really gonna miss that fine ghetto booty....
but i had to end it.
it just wasnt working out. i mean, the problem wasnt me, it was me. but im hoping i can still be friends with myself. i really value me as a person..
.... i think im pretty special and i hope i can still hang out...its nothing personal really and i hope i dont take it too hard, these things just happen..
i mean really im not rejecting me, more like, im just sort of transforming the way i view myself...
hahhahahahahhhaaa mwahhh hahhh ahhhhhaaaaaaa
yeah i know. i sound more than a little bitter and angry. well whatchoo gonna do? thats how i feel, and like i always say, if you dont like it you can leave...which is what i just did...
now here we get to the good part.
since our sad pathetic little self only ever wants that which
1. it cant have
2. doesnt want it back
i can now freely moon about missing myself. i can have conversations with myself in my head, i can pick up the phone a million times to start dialling my number...i can remember how lovely i am in certain lights, hell maybe this isnt the end, maybe i can win me back...maybe if i can just remind myself what a good time i had with me, how much we love each other...who knows...maybe if i send flowers and buy myself candy...i sure do love candy...
either way, with or without me, i have now had the final say.
So now how do you like me????
motivated in part by the cold grey depressing day that was yesterday..sunday always sucks...it always rains, i always need to study, im always missing somebody and walking in the rain listening to like i said songs...
i mean at home sunday is a little gloomy, here its downright depressing...chile is like smoking pot, it enhances everything...that can be good or bad..thats why im a crazy mood swinging pmsin manic depressive bitch up in here..
maybe its the proximity to monday..maybe its the knowledge that homework must now be done...maybe its that everything here is closed, seems like everyone just dissapeared
now monday seriously sucks....
puta lunes
no me gusta para nada
bien...
see saturday is usually pretty damn nice, this last one had some issues and i think that lack of sleep and food were pretty big in the making of an issueful satidy...
and the not so good saturday made for a shittier than usual sunday..i mean it was aight by the end of the day, you know like how you just kinda glum it up and then finally you get tired of being so gloomy and you do some fuckin homework...
but thats not my point, my point is that on the upswing of a pretty glum sunday i came up with a brilliant plan...
not content to let everyone else have the last say, from the kid to the j to good ole wes who has barely entered my existence in recent years and thinks he can show up now that my heart has been broken into a bazillion bits, not to offer support but talk shit abt its all my fault anyway w just barely veiled illusions to our not so pretty breakup of what 5 YEARS AGO?????
well my friends, and let me be clear darlings, to the three dudes i just mentioned, i love you each very much in very different ways and i think you are all spectacular and stunning...in fact probably the thing that you particular three have in common is that you are each amazingly, stunningly compassionate, kind, careful of not hurting those around you and i appreciate that a whole bunch...i really do, im not even kidding abt that but the fact is that i have been bouncing through stages of grief like a ping pong ball...and i need to work through a little bit of anger right now.....
so as much as i appreciate that none of you would intentionally hurt anyone, you are pretty much all hurting ME right this fuckin minute...
so.
in order that i can have the last say and reject your rejection of me, i have decided to reject myself. i know that doesnt quite make sense but in a way it does..
thats right im dumping myself, i have just outdumped all of you, and i get all the fabulous consolation prizes...the crazy t shirt, i get that...
yeah...it was pretty sad, i decided on this course last night over some cookies and tea and decided first thing monday morning i would break up with me...
i mean the sex was amazing, and i loved going for walks and talking about everything and dancing and listening to music and reading me passages of poetry out loud..and lets get serious for a second, im pretty fuckin cute...damn. i am one sexy bitch actually and im really gonna miss that fine ghetto booty....
but i had to end it.
it just wasnt working out. i mean, the problem wasnt me, it was me. but im hoping i can still be friends with myself. i really value me as a person..
.... i think im pretty special and i hope i can still hang out...its nothing personal really and i hope i dont take it too hard, these things just happen..
i mean really im not rejecting me, more like, im just sort of transforming the way i view myself...
hahhahahahahhhaaa mwahhh hahhh ahhhhhaaaaaaa
yeah i know. i sound more than a little bitter and angry. well whatchoo gonna do? thats how i feel, and like i always say, if you dont like it you can leave...which is what i just did...
now here we get to the good part.
since our sad pathetic little self only ever wants that which
1. it cant have
2. doesnt want it back
i can now freely moon about missing myself. i can have conversations with myself in my head, i can pick up the phone a million times to start dialling my number...i can remember how lovely i am in certain lights, hell maybe this isnt the end, maybe i can win me back...maybe if i can just remind myself what a good time i had with me, how much we love each other...who knows...maybe if i send flowers and buy myself candy...i sure do love candy...
either way, with or without me, i have now had the final say.
So now how do you like me????
posted by Rachel R. @ 10:38 AM
4 Comments:
At 12:20 PM,
Jeff Pollet said…
It's sad to say, perhaps, but yer pretty damn funny when you're on the ol' emotional rollercoaster. Sorry, but it's true.
Here's hoping that you eventually are able to seduce yourself again, at least to have some ex-sex and that maybe even you get yourself to fall for you again. Or is that still wanting something that you can't have? I'm confused.
At 1:23 PM,
Jennifer said…
an excellent idea, you're right on top of that, rose...
;)
At 4:31 PM,
Rachel R. said…
yeah im actually pretty confused mself...know im sposed to move on and spend time alone, so does that mean i need to stop trying to win myself back? who knows...
At 8:48 AM,
Jennifer said…
OK i totally had a dream about that thing you say, 'how you like me now fat boy'
i was reading a book and realized it was a quote from there, and i saw it in context and was like 'ohhh', cause see i've always wondered but never asked where the hell you picked that phrase up.
ha!
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