Ok so I may have overeacted a little tiny bit…
well i finally talked to the man himself asking him to clarify what he meant and letting him know what i heard and...
It seems that an unspoken request for reassurance as regards our re and an unfortunate wording (even he admits that it was in fact probably the worst possible word choice) in the email sent to me plus my own tendency to jump wildly to insane conclusions led to my own pathos leading me down a bad bad path of speculation and heartbreak…
I kinda feel stupid now and almost wanna just erase the last two posts…but in the interests of full exposure and sunshine laws and the like I let it all stand…
the thing is that I have been slowly accepting a more and more tenuous relationship with j where when I first arrived we were going to stay together from afar, then realized that one cannot have a relationship that stretches that far…
And that was painful and sad and absurd…but realistic I spose..
Then there was talk of living together again, after all I reasoned id never been so happy living with anyone else, seemed to recommend it…but there was some stuff there as well we were both a little stagnant a little too fat and happy and not feeling like we kept ourselves in contact with our separate worlds fully enough…
So we let that one go in the spirit of who knows what and who we will be in a year I guess we cant just jump back in like that, and he is installed in a wonderful home that is perfect for him but where I cd never live, a little too peaceful and zen and id just end up shouting the f word at some point something like ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING PEACEFULNESS ALREADY ITS FUCKING MAKING ME NUTS!!!
And we have both been dating other people over the past ten months although I have to say that when anyone does something stupid (ahem, turbo) id be like man you a idiot j would never even think of saying/doing something as stupid as that.
Which brings me to the current status, el estado actual if you will…where we don’t know what will happen but we remain committed to giving ourselves and each other the space to let our relationship become whatever it needs to be in light of our year apart. Sort of a Geneva accord in relationship terms that I thought had been broken, thus the caustic rabid hysterical over the top response and I know I cd have asked for clarification faster, which I did today finally and with actual voice on voice contact allayed my fears that the primary status of our re had been displaced with a secondary.
And the odd thing is that I did know how much I love this guy and need him in my life. And I think hes the only one who knows how strong the bond between us has remained even though relayed through phone and email weve maintained such an immense level of intimacy that I know by now I cant read his emails or write response in the complab at school because I might cry in public and yeah im a crying whore but seriously I cant think of another person that I routinely reveal myself to in such an intimate terms and such blunt honesty and emotional openness that I literally cry from having those walls melting…
but I still didn’t really know it would be total devastation to consider our partnership displaced. Ive gotten accustomed to the idea that we just have to see what happens and maybe this will have a romantic aspect and maybe it wont. And its funny too cause it was upsetting at first to hear he was dating other people but I got used to that too I mean at this point he could have orgies with wwf wrestlers and I cd give a fuck as long as our partnership remains the primary relationship and we have the space to work out what that means upon my return in two months minus two days
And the other thing is that my own unleash of venom made it all the more clear just how much I need his fuzzy loving new age frou frou la la self to balance my evil venomous negative self, I have got some really really negative shit going on here and while in a way its been nice to just iindulge it im really feeling the lack of a more peaceful influence, probably the most amazing thing about j is that he makes me better than I am.
It seems that an unspoken request for reassurance as regards our re and an unfortunate wording (even he admits that it was in fact probably the worst possible word choice) in the email sent to me plus my own tendency to jump wildly to insane conclusions led to my own pathos leading me down a bad bad path of speculation and heartbreak…
I kinda feel stupid now and almost wanna just erase the last two posts…but in the interests of full exposure and sunshine laws and the like I let it all stand…
the thing is that I have been slowly accepting a more and more tenuous relationship with j where when I first arrived we were going to stay together from afar, then realized that one cannot have a relationship that stretches that far…
And that was painful and sad and absurd…but realistic I spose..
Then there was talk of living together again, after all I reasoned id never been so happy living with anyone else, seemed to recommend it…but there was some stuff there as well we were both a little stagnant a little too fat and happy and not feeling like we kept ourselves in contact with our separate worlds fully enough…
So we let that one go in the spirit of who knows what and who we will be in a year I guess we cant just jump back in like that, and he is installed in a wonderful home that is perfect for him but where I cd never live, a little too peaceful and zen and id just end up shouting the f word at some point something like ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING PEACEFULNESS ALREADY ITS FUCKING MAKING ME NUTS!!!
And we have both been dating other people over the past ten months although I have to say that when anyone does something stupid (ahem, turbo) id be like man you a idiot j would never even think of saying/doing something as stupid as that.
Which brings me to the current status, el estado actual if you will…where we don’t know what will happen but we remain committed to giving ourselves and each other the space to let our relationship become whatever it needs to be in light of our year apart. Sort of a Geneva accord in relationship terms that I thought had been broken, thus the caustic rabid hysterical over the top response and I know I cd have asked for clarification faster, which I did today finally and with actual voice on voice contact allayed my fears that the primary status of our re had been displaced with a secondary.
And the odd thing is that I did know how much I love this guy and need him in my life. And I think hes the only one who knows how strong the bond between us has remained even though relayed through phone and email weve maintained such an immense level of intimacy that I know by now I cant read his emails or write response in the complab at school because I might cry in public and yeah im a crying whore but seriously I cant think of another person that I routinely reveal myself to in such an intimate terms and such blunt honesty and emotional openness that I literally cry from having those walls melting…
but I still didn’t really know it would be total devastation to consider our partnership displaced. Ive gotten accustomed to the idea that we just have to see what happens and maybe this will have a romantic aspect and maybe it wont. And its funny too cause it was upsetting at first to hear he was dating other people but I got used to that too I mean at this point he could have orgies with wwf wrestlers and I cd give a fuck as long as our partnership remains the primary relationship and we have the space to work out what that means upon my return in two months minus two days
And the other thing is that my own unleash of venom made it all the more clear just how much I need his fuzzy loving new age frou frou la la self to balance my evil venomous negative self, I have got some really really negative shit going on here and while in a way its been nice to just iindulge it im really feeling the lack of a more peaceful influence, probably the most amazing thing about j is that he makes me better than I am.
posted by Rachel R. @ 9:03 PM
3 Comments:
At 8:12 AM,
Jeff Pollet said…
Overreacting is the obligation of lovers (and bloggers, actually), so try to not be too hard on yourself about that part of it.
A word of caution even in light of the new good news--be very careful about just what 'letting our relationship become whatever it becomes', because, in my case, even though that's exactly how we talked about things, I quickly found out that what my relationship was to become was exactly: Nothing. So even that sort of happy communication/thinking/loving way to look at knowing each other can quickly become the land of mixed-metaphor grief that you were briefly in yesterday.
Not that it appears in any way that such a thing would happen to you and j. But then, I thought nothing of the sort would happen to me, either.
At 9:51 AM,
Jennifer said…
um, yeah, you've got cheets in tears over here.
i'm so glad ya'll talked...
At 7:42 PM,
Rachel R. said…
ohmigod and i totally listened to yr own 2 feet mix today...
this reminds me of the time i took the morning after pill and was all crazed with hormones and cried all the way through love actually and then at the end i was like sobbing "they love each other"
and thanks for the concern jeff. i got a glimpse of wcs yestie and the thing is it hurt like a mother but i also know now that if it comes down like that i will make it through..
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