anoche

so last night in the middle of the night i was woken up by the telltale buzzing and itching that let me know a frickin mosquito had invaded. now what kinda dumbass mosquito bites the palm of your hand? went out with marty and j to see zap mama which was a blast we all fell into dance trance for the whole thing...very giggly and fun. also ran into this guy from a class that i talk to sometimes and he said he saw a flower that reminded him of me. i was like wait a minute, i dint realize there was some sort of flirty thing happening (silent, like in my head) and this guy is seriously hot. tall dready black man, really built...he was in my capoeira class before i dropped it. well hes still in it but im not. we talked on the bus and it was just nice i guess to feel like somebody kinda likes me. not that i was gonna do anything about it. j and i agreed to spend our year apart gay until further notice. which made our therapist laugh. we are both pretty excited about being gay. and i have made the greatest music mix yet.

goin to sacramento...

so i know its only tuesday, and i havent even described the guy that my bud saucy yelled at on the sidewalk on sunday because he gave me a bitchy look and said something like "do you have to scream" because i was talking loudly on the sidewalk did i mention we were outside? yeah. well. we were. just outside my place actually and i was makin some noise, sunday afternoon on the motherf---in sidewalk so i just wince like sorry but saucyrockstar, my very good buddy, who has been known to yell things like fuckin fuckin cunt at people who give her the finger in traffic (that extra fuckin carries a lot of weight believe you me) she is like whatever dude we are outside on a nice day, rock out with yer cock out. so then he insults her and then im like shut up i love this woman, i live here too, why cant you just be nice...i dunno. im such a wierdo sometimes. like i expect everyone to just comprehend stuff like that. anyway so it was sunday and i was taggin along with saucy for a family reunion slash flamenco guitar show where her long lost crazy flamenco guitar playing uncle from Spain and her not so long or lost crazy flamenco guitar playing dad and her somewhat lost but dont play nothin sister, well you get the point. it was at this kinda swanky resteraunt and bar, right away they were about to kick us out; thats how you can tell how swank a place is, how fast they throw my ass out, but then V(aka saucy) tells the nice lady who she is and the nice lady is like, i knew you when you were in diapers. so after that lots of greetings in spain type spanish which i dont even understand at all cause its so soft and thick and odd, double cheek kisses and amazing music and dancing and singing. anyway i found a little corner and ensconsed to do spanish homework. my ass headed for chile and stressin about all the stuff i gotta do first, V tells her dad this and he says to me that im going to end up speaking like a chileno (im thinkin, could be worse...like an andalucian) jokes jokes...anyway, so i have to go to this orientation this saturday at 8am in sacramento. you tell me, who the hell thought this up? i mean really.....lucky for me i talked j into taking me down the night before and staying in like a motel 6 or something because thats mad romantic...now what i need to know is, are there good thrift stores in sacto? i always hear rumors of thrift store shopping upon leaving sf. but really? i might have been making it all up, im going on the word of a former roomate whose amazing vintage dress collection was actually from fresno.

what up new pink do 

trying to fake it

so heres the deal. i got myself a jacked up grill, and when i was a child being raised by wolves, i got hella shit talked about that. so i never really learned how to smile when some dumbass said cheese, instead i just closed my mouth. my stuff is still cricked but i dont really care anymore, yet i still cant seem to smile for photos. unless im actually laughing or smiling. but i cant seem to fake it. so now this is seriously messing me up... i also happen to be very animated and make some extremely strange faces when i am talking. now i dont usually see myself talking since im not in the habit of talking to myself when i look in the mirror, so all this time i thought i was ok, turns out i been makin some real odd faces, and now its too late to even break that habit..so all snapshots of me tend to be really really bad...and im talking about twisted face eyes rolled up some real odd expressions...or theres the anusmouth, the unconscious hide the teeth gesture that i go for instinctively when the flash hits...then theres deer in headlights, i think to myself, well ra you dont wanna look hella fucked up this time, so just dont move a muscle. this is what happens, i smooth out my face, end up looking like i just got hypnotized, or caught in some bright lights, my eyes get really wide and my no expression is good expression backfires bigtime. and then there are the shots where i look pissed off, cause im not smiling...and you pretty much got the repetoire: deer, excorcist, pissed. so i have been trying to learn how to smile on command, and it hasnt been working. it tends to look like rigor mortis is setting in, i got a big mouth, and stretched in a fake grin that looks more like a grimace, its not a pretty sight. j told me i need to go to my happy place, or i need to think of something that makes me smile, like how when my contacts get dry i think about something sad, like brother bear. man that shit was seriously sad.

rip old pink do 

Me, Monica Lewinsky, and the Crush

While of course i hate to admit to having anything in common with Monica Lewinsky, it recently occured to me that we do share one thing, the boss crush. After all this is the only thing i can think of that explains an attraction to Bill Clinton. I mean the guy is just not attractive. Maybe if it came down to which president would you dance the old enlightenment with, i dunno though, i think id probably go for jfk, or abe lincoln...those tall skinny guys can surprise you sometimes. And it seems that i too often have crushes on my boss, or on someone in some position of authority...But thinking about it i realized that the phenomenon is manifest a little differently for me. Let me give a couple of examples. Last summer i worked closely with, basically as an assistant to, a woman who i developed a pretty ridiculous crush on. She was sporty, cute, and cool, owned more sneakers than anyone else i have ever met. She had that whole basketball dyke thing down and basically came across as very much in control, the person you turned to when things went wrong. I started crushin hecka hard, had to eventually reign myself in when i started daydreaming about the day she realized it was me she wanted and not the ultrafemme lipstick trendy cute girls she usually dated. It got a little nuts, to the point where i was blushing when she walked up. There was this day when i messed something up and she got mad at me and i just about cried. Thats when i knew i needed to refocus my energies and let go of this, for me, typical...bosscrush. Summer before that it was yet another softButch, large and in charge Latina Dyke. It got pretty silly, flirty, and ridiculous. mostly becuase she was dating someone who also worked with us, which i didnt realize..I remember telling the girl she was dating about a dream i had that involved her, the crush, not the girl...anyway they both basically thought it was cute and silly. which it probably was. Right now i have a very slight and subtle crush on my current boss, who is amazing and smart and extra calm, and im sure you guessed it; large and in charge, softbutch, latina...yeah theres a pattern here somewhere. In school though its a whole different thing. I have this ongoing crush on my former prof/current academic adviser who is brilliant, a little stiff, youngish for a proffesor, clean cut, leather loafers and trouser wearin dude. its pretty well in check i think. except that i tend to get just a little silly when i see him. Cant even explain what it is, although that brilliant thing cuts a lotta muster with me. Other school crushes include my old creative writing teacher, who was in fact quite young, a grad student, dancer, and wonderful poet in her own right. I give extra points for poets and dancers, especially if they have a slightly husky voice, and she did. So an obvious part about the teacher/boss crush is that they are in a position of authority, which is hot. But i guess for me its the safe, never gotta act on it, completely never gonna happen in the real world that lets me go a little nuts. So there it is. Thing is, Lewinsky took it too far with the good ol pres. Or maybe just got carried away. Probably he didnt get that part about not acting on it. Some people just dont.

ode to the womens bathroom in the student union

Oh silent space like a confessional;
Shushing whir of wire fans soothes me, smooths the kinks in my buzzing caffienated sleep deprived brain.
I long to linger before your endless banks of empty clean white sinks.
I Sing of your cool slick tile floors, never tainted with ravening hordes of having-to-pee girls;
your vast unfolding rows of empty stalls, where silence and privacy is tempered with hastily scrawled messages on chalkboards where others akin to me let drift the detritus of dreams,
or simply pee.
Setting aside effortless, like automatic flush of toilets and flow of sinks, the bustle and stir of leaving a warm bed for an 8am class.
I am called by your calm quiet to stand before stretches of silvered mirrors applying lipgloss, fucking with my hemline and hair.

this aint yer mama's Torah

Probably my favorite thing my jewish american lit prof has said in class ever. Although that class always seems particularly great, following, as it does, on the heels of a long sleep deprived coffee fueled day that begins in advanced spanish grammer at 8am. Guantanamo Bay? somthing like that, yes. getting up when its still dark ought to be illegal. i generally feel like i might just fall over and die all day...my brain all sluggish and slow, my legs weigh fifty pounds each. speaking in english is a challenge at 8am. Spanish? hah! i can barely get presente or aqui when my prof calls roll, so yesterday when we had a test i pulled some miraculous knowledge of adverbial-constructs-referencing-time-requiring-the-subjunctive-when-describing-an-action- that-has-not-yet-occured right out of my ass. i am some kinda fuckin genius and nobody knows because i pull off the pose of late to class most of the time smartass slacker so very well. but its just a clever pose...so, anyway, i have pulled a tunia. deleted my old blog, defeated by the long stretches of time when i just didnt bother posting...the guilt of my readership of two(sometimes three) patiently awaiting word from a bored and disenchanted me. yet i find myself missing the blog at times. some ridiculous thing will happen and i will think, the world needs to know about this. i thought i had given up on it when my blog became this chore that i didnt have time to bother with. but it tugged on me and so here i am again. this time all decked out in rose, to match my hair...having left the comfy setup of my old home for a new one. Just found out im really going to Chile for a year. Maybe thats what prompted this. Im excited and terrified at once. And im going to be needing all the home base i can get. So there you have it. My old blog died twice, the new one lives. like a cat, i have nine times to die.