like one a them nasty charleston chews...

colorful on the inside..

so we discovered the secret garden..

or at least the leafy green sunny part of campus which was right there the whole time, just in a spot i never go to...among the wonders to be found in the woundrous lovely sunny side of my campus:

cute chileans who respond to a question in grigified spanish with brit accented english...

(me to the girls, was that guy speaking english?...them, yup...me, but with the whole british inflection...spoonful of suger i dunno)

a girl wearing a tank top skipping rope (or however one says in the act of using a jumprope) that aint even the point, the point is, she was jumpin maaan...jumpin!

the absolutely beautiful, breathtakingly lovely, completely gorgeaus curly haired tall man from my frickin mujer y sociedad class..managed to attend that sucker recently and homeboy was givin a truly fascinating presentation about some damn thing..hes so pretty i forget to breathe when i see him...well he was there in wonderland too..

then as we walked further into wonderland we saw glistening emerald fields of grass, sparkly glinty trees with thin fronds of leaves distilling the brilliant light, and then another field of grass filled im talkin filled with lovely fútbol playing longish haired often shirtless chilean lads..

ok so only a few were shirtless...it was a beautiful sight

then we saw the cutest fluffiest little white dog ever, it was like a stuffed animal...i just wanted to hug it..

all of this framed by the cordilleras and a clear blue sky..

we were searching for the fabled swimming pool which rumor had it was in existance on our campus some damn where..
ashley and jen wanna swim..
i was just along for the ride cause to me swimmin means jumpin im yellin look at me!!! splashing and doin somersaults, i gotta mean underwater backward somersault...

but this is like lap swimming, which to me is like those movies where the people gotta row all chained up in the bottom of the boat
plus they talkin bout some swim cap required and im all, yeah...check you cats later

ima be readin in the grass overlookin the field of chilean boys..right next to fountain where shirtless guys come to splash water on they heads

....wonderland i tell you

...mofuckin wondergotdamlandia

after the storm

now yall who know me know that after years of rather dark dark phases como guttergoth/indypunk/angrybabydyke/and or some combination of the above...well i just got tired of all those dark colors...first foray into quote unquote normalcy took me only so far as grey...

it just wasnt a simple transition from dark angry evil ra to what you all know and love as some rainbow brite cotton candy pink striped polka dotted bright as fuck fraggle_ra...

but lately im feelin pretty stormy, the weather here seems to agree and ive decided to once again, if only for a little while, wear my mala onda on my sleeve...

im actually pretty amused by what is (to me anyway)an obvious exaggeration of angry damaged fucked up chainsmoking all alone poor little me...

so i will be oscillating a little between that gleamy silvery bottom of a well pensive fraggle far from home and the angry smoky eyed i will fuck up yer mom if you mess with me...

but just for a while, and its important to note that i still have to accesorize...so you cant tell from the pic but i still got the pink kicks on...to match the pink polka dots on my only black panties....

i wanna marry walt whitman

if arundhati roy isnt innerested in having my babies...
havent heard back from her yet.
i got shit tons of homework to do and its a beautiful sunny day so im fins to go read some roland barthe trans from french to spanish in my bathing suit in the back yard...had a whole lotta coffee already and i know what i got to say:

it took some kinda longass time for the folks around to let me know that theres a big difference between telling somebody me gustas, and me caes bien, so literally we got you please me and you fall well with me in terms of i like you...
now my ass been gustaring up a mofuckin storm...
so now they explain to me and important difference between the two statements is that me gustas really implies Like Like, as in i LIKE you vs the second which is like friends..k?

so its like a few days ago that someone was like yeah you dont wanna go around gustaring everybody cause that implies a whole lot more than i like you like as friends....i was like maaaaaaan now you are telling me this????? im saying that there is a very real possibility that i might have stayed the hell out of trouble if i had known this shit earlier..

i can tell you they been times when i was like, hey i like you, you ok by me and folks be like ¿Really? ¡well thats great! (they speak with upside down punctuation here)and i would be all, well its nothing to get too excited about maybe we could kick it sometime and they hearing i like you, you cuuuuute and how you doin? all barone style...boy oh boy does this explain a few things...

cause they plenty of times i used the first one thinkin i was sayin hey i like you you cool...when in fact i was saying i like you but id like it better if you put yer tongue in my mouth.. or something like that

im thinkin im sayin yer great we shd kick it they hearin i wanna unzip yer pants with my teeth...

i cd actually go on all day cause i spent some time remembering each time i said me gustas to some chilean dude and picturing cartoony balloon bubbles labelled "what i thought i was saying" "what homeskippy heard me say"

but im sure im gettin cut some second language stupid gringa slack up in this joint with folks plenty clear on it as how most of the time i got little clue what the hell anybody is talkin about..

speaking of which i have this daydream abt going back to my old school good ole sf state and how all the classes will just be straight conducted in english, a language i already speak...its gonna be soooo easy...i wont even have to attend class, i can just walk past the building where classes are held and achieve the level of understanding that here i do after concentrating all day in class...

and i can have these ecstatic obnoxious convos with the prof/ora como así..so that paper i can write it in english (A LANGUAGE I ALREADY SPEAK!) and they will be all...ummm yeah, that was the idea...and i will be all HOT DAMN

i wont have to even read probably i can just look at the covers of the books or leave them lying around my room and achieve some level of understanding similar to what i got from the last book i read in spanish...

where i was like ok thank god somebody told me right away that la manuela is actually a man, so at least im clear on who the tranny prostitute is...otherwise ida been lost as fuck...

but i had to put that aside to read something smaller for the same class this week, los cachorros, which was somehow easier cause its a bunch of schoolboys talkin shit...

speakin of which, did my day friday in the public school and it was sooooo much fun, the kids there are just amazing and sweet and smart as fuck, they all wear uniforms but the class is pretty informal, the teacher was like, just talk to them and if they have questions about homework...

so i spent one class talking slowly in english with a bunch of like 16, 17 yr old kids, they wd ask questions in spanish and id answer in a mix depending on how much they cd understand, one girl had a newborn baby, like right there i mean in the class...
and it was great... they were just crazy bright smart sweet kids...and i love how they talk...they just gotta mad slow it down with the crazy chilean slang for me

the next class couldnt really understand anything i said in english so we just spoke spanish again kinda slow, but ok...i ended up having this long ass convo with this group of boys about hip hop and they promised to bring some music next week...

so it was loads of fun and a great way to practice my spanish and then i went to yog and really fuckin concentrated and really got into it...it was really good.

and as for my drastic decision to approach the drama like a fuckin steamroller and just kick its ass out of my head...i had to do something cause it wasnt ending on its own this is like the third approach to this shit, what sucks is that nacho is
like but i thought you said this was the way to work it out, as if cause im older i somehow know what the hell im doing rather than makin it all up as i go and hopin for the best
...feel bad for the kid a little bit, he was just already fuckin destroyed and tired after a tough week when i pulled the latest bit
...but i dont really feel that bad, cause he the one trippin around all happy and
in love with his gf for the last month while i stumble over my own feet lookin like a fool and feelin like shit.

...so things have been good drama like a constant background noise but im glad i did that ridiculous 5am bullshit which you can read (below the booty pic)it was like having a sliver under yer skin, how you just gotta fuckin dig that shit out even though it hurts cause it isnt gonna get better any other way...

jeff says..

You seem to be completely and utterly in love with your own ass, which, having never even seen your ass, I find pretty charming

i say. fuckin tragedy. the whole world oughtta see this shit at least once.

just when you thought the drama was done...

soooo...where to begin where to begin.
last night.
k.
ima start there...went out dancing with ashley and this guy shes been seeing, same one who saw me kiss her and got a little freaked out..so we dancin right...but its like a fuckin madhouse up in there all these not even cute guys are hella jockin i just wanna dance chica wanna get all flirty whatev.
she dances with her boy while i try to avoid his moronic friend who is literally pursuing me as i try to ditch him and gettin in the faces of any other dude who tries to dance with me...
fucked up with a capital fu

so i ditch homeskippy ash finds me and we find the corner where a group of kids are apparently there to dance what a fuckin concept right?
theres this one cute chick who approaches me and says that we should come dance with em cause they a big group of kids just tryin a have fun
so its cool they playin ridiculous 80s new wave stuff chica and i are goofin around like being flirty with each other when homeboy the dude comes up and is like i gotta talk..im all oh man...here we go with the drama
hes a good guy. i like him, i really do...but i dont think he can deal with ash...i dont think i would be able to if she was my girl, she a handful thats all...
so they talk and come back and hes like ok bye and im all what yer leaving? and then im like dude, seriously, i was drunk that night, let it go, if thats what this is about...
he leaves
we leave too cause fuck this shit anyway dudes trying to slip phone numbers to us and literally blockin the mofuckin way to the bathroom...
we not happy campers.
so we leave and hes sitting at a table right outside with a bunch of girls, ash is pissed, i feel terrible like its partly my fault, so then he catches up with us and is like, hey actually let me take you guys home...ash is pissed so shes says no we´ll walk and its not far anyway we start to but then he calls her and then finds us and gives me a ride to my place, im like aight yall gots to talk i guess catch you later and chick is like yeah ima do what i gotta you do likewise...

and im thinkin about this and about these chilean dudes who cant seem to come close even to dealing with some admittedly handful type chicks like us and about the kid who wont read my poems even though he reads the blog cause its too intense and i decide there is no time like the present for some drunken 5am at yer door kinda drama...first of all cause its the best kind and also cause see if i wan´t drunk ida talk myself out of it...so i head for the kids...

cause i saw him last week and it was fine but then this whole week was hell on training wheels waiting for him to call or email and wondering why he didnt...so i ring and hes awake and hes like what yer downstairs and im like yeah i can hardly believe it myself

so hes like ok, and comes down cause he says some friends are upstair, so he comes down and hes like whats goin on? and im like, i need this to stop.

hes like what this? and im like all of it, the walks, the way i cant concentrate in class this fuckin halfass attempt to rethink everything and not feel how i feel which is fucked up like you do when you love someone who doesnt love you back... cause i do, and you dont...and its obvious..
so then hes like but i care about you and i want you to be my friend and i tell him where he can stuff that crock of shit..

hes like what do you want me to do ra? im like i think cause im drunk and angry and hurt its a perfect time to just fuck this shit up, we already tried to repair it and that didnt work so i think its time to tear it apart.

i ask him to tell me that he doesnt care about me and hes like but i do and im like you dont get it kid i dont want that bullshit nice to you wanna be yer friend...
im tryin to piss him off...

kinda hard even drunk at 5am hes a nice kid, im like, this is some freaky behavior this doesnt freak you out? hes like well yeah but...im like so tell me to fuck off, tell me im complicating yer whole perfect fuckin life tell me you dont love me tell me to leave and i will and thats it this whole mess is fuckin finally done..

hes upset at this point and hes like if i say that will it help and im like yeah so he goes, please fuck off...

im like yeah that doesnt count what do i have to do to piss you off?
i have basically explained that i am there to destroy whatever pathetic remnants of us that remains because i cant deal with it anymore...the haunting, plus the pretense at logic...playing like i dont feel this way when i do, when im still takin long ass walks every night to end up in our park where he never is

he wants to know if i just want to be able to blame him and im like yeah thatd be great whatever it takes so i can stop waiting for someone who never fuckin shows up..
its just stupid arguments at this point so i try to kiss him and he wont let me hes like dont do that..

im a sly and cunning drunk so i figure fuck, why not try it again...and he is like listen to me well, i dont want to kiss you, im in love with my girlfriend....

oh sweet relief
hurts like hell but jesus finally i can just let er rip. actually silences my dumb ass.

when i can talk again im like wow thats so much more effective than fuck off...hes upset, im upset..its a mess...
hes like so what you dont wanna see me or even be my friend or anything and im like yeah thats pretty much it, cause it hurts and i dont like it, and we werent friends anyway we were some other fuckin thing and this attempt to be something were not it cramps the poetry puts it in a box too small and i cant live with being cared about, not when i love you, despite all of it...
no matter what sensible crap i try to tell myself, this is the only way to stop it.

so theres some more angry bitterness at one point he like slams his fist onto the table in front of us...you all know the scene...you think three weeks ago on the bridge would have done it but really, no...not exactly...

this needs to be a fuckin clearcut i cant stand to leave anything and that fuckin weak ass sapling of lets hang out sometime that i dont want to hurt you motherfuckin bullshit is what i can no longer take so i sit with him for a minute and we just feel some of that shit
...and then we hug for a minute and i ruffle his hair and we say goodbye cause we tired and fucked up and i turn around in the doorway and whisper ciao
and thats it

im sobbing as i head for the gate of the complex and this guy stops to ask if im ok and im like si..si, estoy bien..and i walk my drunk ass home.

goldfish gaze II

what can she be talkin about i think
this girl who left with not so much as a blink
for nawlins
nueva york
hawaii
parts unknown
she is askin me for advice?
i love a man who does not completely fullfill me and maybe no man can or possibly it isnt something anyone can do for anyone else
so i left the fuckin country
yeah it was a plan in the making forever and a day but really
gotta wonder sometimes
if in the end it was just
a form of escape
and i only ever seem to love girls who i love actually
and so cannot seem to hold too tight
or keep them close bye
but laugh as they sparkle and swim away
like you Mel
fins and feathers and those features those eyes that skin
brushed with moonlight
i was just some clumsy kid dripping snot and tears leaving a visible trace in the air and i
still am
dunno baby
just dunno
waitin for the sky to fall over here
or to feel that i really actually am sure about any one little thing
anything at all

tapestry

brava
bravísima
all of it inexplicable unable to be seperated out like threads from a tapestry i downshift
head down all the streets for like 20 blocks in every direction
butting my stubborn angry dont want to feel this way sad sack of self up against what is
my fear that i left cause its the only thing i know how to do
and this all consuming alone with myself that is a constant state but usually
i am provided with so many distractions
aqui no
es que estoy en frente de mí misma
y a mí me asusto
y no sé
que va a pasar
o aún más qué exactamente ha pasado
entre tu y yo
me parece como
un tipo de perfección pero flojo
lo que no quiere ver a si mismo
o trabajar directamente en dirección de qué surge el problema
que casi siempre estaba allá
entre nosotros
punto en que los mirados de los dos faltan o no pueden ver o no conectar perfectamente así
no sé
si podemos arreglar eso
o continuar luego
o necesitamos siempre que nosotros buscamos por la visión la mirada la constante que consiste en el fundo de lo que estamos..
o ser?
i dunno baby
but i know yer there
a part of me someone who loves me like no one ever has and i know that im never letting that go
and i know that we had some issues we never talked about but only danced around
always hoping that crack in the very foundation of our house would fix itself somehow
or that it just wouldnt show...
love you
love to you
you/tú
te amo
mucho

degree

what is true and what i choose to believe is really just a matter of degrees anyway
i can choose to believe that time is cyclical
that everything happens for a reason
that its always worth the risk
unless its not
but it usually is
because i have loved people in very different places from me
sometimes places i couldnt reach or couldnt follow and they have tried to be
wise and kind and and loving enough to let me leave
or tell me when i couldnt follow
there have been those who allowed me to be what i was
which was often a complicated thing
who knew or tried to know when to let me stay and when to send me away
when i had travelled as far as i could
and i have loved those who are in a different place from me and i have tried to be wise and loving and kind and tried to know
when to let them go
and you are one of those
and i choose to believe that i was right in the first place
right in the second
and right in the third
perhaps confused in the matter of degree
because my only other option is wrong on all counts
leaving me an idiot and you a coward or a fool
because the ball is in my court i can say what i want
and know damn well you wont have the balls to read this anyway
so heres what i have to say
to the first person i let close to me
after three years with j
who earned his place in my heart a través de su poesía y su amor para mí
after a year alone trying to figure out my own place on my own
after a long summer of watching leaves fall slowly
to rest on pebbles
of tiny splashes in a cold river
of play of light on my naked feet
i refuse to believe that what passed when i let you near me was all a mistake
i choose to believe we are in different places
and i fucked up like we all always do
in calculating what was only a matter of degree

chile knows...

chile deserves some major props in a few specific areas, and i am gonna pass em out like cookies right here right now..

chile knows whats up when it comes to cute children, the whole fuckin country gets that the only thing cuter than a cute kid is a cute kid in a funny hat...

chile knows whats up when it comes to ridiculous colorful accessories and the liberal application of glitter and/or sequins...im talkin belts constructed seemingly solely of sequins. fuckin brilliant

chile knows whats up with pants, as re pants for me and for several reasons which seem contradictory but which i shall explain clearly
i
already said they dont really have booty up in this piece right?
ok so also most of the folks around here, or the girls at least arent really all that tall but tend to have long torsos, like me...also they are mad into the lowrise pants as i have also said...but the combo means perfect and i do mean perfect pants for me...
heres why...low rise plus not so tall plus not a whole lotta butt = short inseam..

and thats where i am truly fucked in the us. if they fit my big hips they too big in the waist if it fits in the waist its too fucking tight in the hips and then theres the whole inseam thing in general where theres this like extra chunk of material that means either a droopy butt or a droopy crotch or a strange bit of fabric that comes up waaaay too high in the back or in the front..

...but all of this is eliminated with the judicious application of a short inseam plus low rise, it means that i get pants that fit like a second skin, cause where they leave just enough space that it dont look so silly to not have an ass i can just fill that space in...and all those issues about too much fabric eliminated
entirely with the low rise cause then it just hang hella low off the hips...

and then theres the bit with all the accesorizing which at first i was like i dunno if i want jeans that a twelve year old would wear with frickin flowers and butterflies and crap embroidered on em, but then i was like, man look at that ass that is for sure not a twelve year old up in those jeans...so i wore em today...and the world seemed to notice...and i think to appreciate as i do, the chilean jeans.

kiosks. and like everywhere, talk about fast..its like if yer out of smokes or you just want some rocklets theres no need to even step into a minimarket, you can just stop at a frickin kiosk which will be located on damn near every corner

and on hot days you dont even need to hit a kiosk to getcher danky crack cause they got folks sellin ice cream on the corners and on the bus....

yeah man they know whats up...

and i dig the language, i like how everything sounds lovelier and more impressive in spanish...like even the most basic shit is somehow bigger better more melodious...no sé exactamente...más fluido puede ser..i guess..

of course i would lobby to make a lot of those little functiony dudes optional, i mean like, i can deal with impersonal se and personal a and reflexive pronouns most of the time, but the indirect object still fucks me up, lets just go for one and throw the extra away, le or lo people...i mean gimme a frickin break...and all that crap that indicates causality or temporality, lets just stick to a few basics shall we...i mean fuckin hell, enough with the little connecty dudes already...frickin por lo tanto what the fuck does that even mean???
por lo menos, a raiz de, a pesar de...at least that stuff makes sense.. lets keep the ones that actually make sense and just get rid of the rest and i think we may have gone a little too far on all the articles too..

i mean i dig that i get my own article, in spoken spanish anyway i aint just ra im like The Rachel...which is great...

but seriously do we need to use so many frickin articles all the damn time? couldnt it just be optional?

dunno. but i like that you can edad just about any damn thing to create a state of being ness that rarely happens in english, for example disponibledad

that would be availabilityness or somethin like that...cool as fuck if you askin me...and i know you could say that our ly pretty much does the trick, but what if you gotcher choice of adverb or noun or adjective pretty much every time...thats the shit...i mean theres just more flexibility..

oh yeah and the passive voice sounds fuckin great in spanish, i do it in english all the time and end up having to change it cause it sounds like shit...but man the frickin indirect vs direct object pronouns for the love of christ...

....i guess its the price you have to pay for flexibility...which is another thing i dig, that i can put my subject wherever the hell i want...thats the shit...mostly ima say spanish is pretty fuckin hot...its just tryin to figure out how to say shit sometimes fucks me up cause i gotta come at it all sideways sometimes...i dunno
...but i mean really lets just do away with some of those extra pronouns why dont we, i mean who cares who the frickin direct object is already??

its not like that shit is helpin me, im tryin a read all like who just did what and to whom exactly?

pues...you cant have everything i guess...

All You Need Is Love Bah bah da da da

woke this morning to find that someone had removed my t-shirt in the night and was now groping my tits...
realized this was actually me, and laughed a little bit..

just couldnt help yerself couldya i said to me...
well i dont blame you one bit...this is some grade-A beef..
i am indeed one fine speciman of a woman...i gloated a little and then snuggled up with myself to sleep for another 15 mins before the alarm hit...

thats right folks im back in babys arms

it was tough for a minute there..but really i just cant resist me..
i mean, have you met me? im funny, smart, cute as all hell...well...anyway the
same thing goes for the bread..

i would wake up at that godawful alarm and try to coax myself out of bed with talk of hot showers and breakfast, which is my favorite meal of the day..but i kept oversleeping last week, i would say pan integral y yogurt natural, gracias, pero voy a quedarme aqui...

i realized that i had gone a little too far in my quest to cut down on the carbs..i mean yeah obviously i shouldnt be eating white bread like three times a day, but the complete elimination of flavors from my yogurt and oatmeal plus the salty from my crackers and the white from my bread left me with very little that i actually wanted to eat....

and then there was the kid. i believe i said already that we spoke on the phone friday, and then i called him again on sunday and asked him to hang out, doing homework or something..and we did and it was ok. its good that i took the space i did to just deal with stuff and not have anyone else complicating it, and also it really erected some fuckin barriers which we needed desperately in terms of appropriately friendlike boundaries...but i think were ok...which makes me pretty happy cause i really missed the hell out of that little fucker

...i walked home through a night turned suddenly slightly cold and noticed the moon almost full through the blooming trees...maybe its all just a seasonal thing...

and as for Jeremias..jeez. miss him. tanto, como sabes jotito.

but i mostly cant let myself do that cause i think thats all i been doing for the past three weeks is a mixed up mess of missing him and missing the kid and missing me and my fam in the bay and its just too damn much cause i didnt come all this way to moon around all broken hearted
and...

so i am hitting yoga three times a week and have started my volunteer work helping out in an english class in a public school and am trying to read the latest novel for narrativa in spanish, although i am pretty fuzzy on deets its basically about tranny whores in some little podunky town...seems pretty fuckin cool to me..

one V or, as she known around here saucyrockstar called me up to fill me in on some deets from what shes up to and to sing me a song that she had written about me!!!

i been waiting like my whole life for my very own song by this particular artist, and finally the wait is over...

also a brief explanation as re casual kiss

the thing that i didnt say at the time to anyone else except i talked to ashley about it is that when he kissed me the t shirty kid what flashed through my mind was, somethings wrong, shouldnt he be a little broader in the shoulders and with softer lips, and thats when i realized that kissing this kid was an awful idea bc i literally wanted him to be someone else...and by this i mean a particular and specific someone else and i didnt so much wanna broadcast that widely at the time cause i was just in a pretty vulnerable place to really explain so i left it at casual kiss...but that isnt it really its..not just that it was casual or that i didnt actually want this kid or i wanted just to be distracted, all of which are true sino que it was literally like, yeah im kissing the wrong person here, bc im wishin this kid was someone else and that made me kinda sad and fucked up and strange and i had to just not do that anymore hopefully never again...

the dif is that ashley is my friend and one saucy sexy bitch and i wanted to kiss her since like the day we met, i mean seriously jeff you have seen pics, the curly hair the bedroom eyes.. and it isnt like im in love with her or something but she actually was the person i wanted to kiss at that particular time...
so i guess thats when my drunkness took over and revealed to the world that i have a crush on ashley...
not exactly a big surprise...

and i just wanna put out there that i have had so much love and support from so many people, and im just a total dork sometimes walking around feeling so sad and alone when lesha and adrian and maca, my roomies, have been checkin in and draggin my ass out on the town, ashley and jen have been around, cheets and jeff, even nacho and j have been checkin in via blog and email...and saucy wrote me a mothafuckin song!

thanks for showing my dumb ass that i actually have a huge and loving support group that stretches across mothafuckin time zones and the pacific...love to all...and kisses!!!! big slobbery wet sticky rubbin up on ya kisses fer those that want em, and zerbers and rasberries for those that dont.

so i think i might still be drunk

ok so last night was nuts...
we were all going out to this club and as usual i took way too long to get ready and had to try on three shirts before i hit the right one..
so the girls were rushing me to drink cause maca wanted to leave
and then everyone who was coming with was lagging getting to the house
and then some kids wanted to go to some other place and started trying to discuss it as we were trying to leave the house get in cabs and hit the club
so this friend of ashleys is trying to convince her to go to a party and she been dancin in my frickin house for like two hours slow groove to old madonna which is macas fave and im personally a little sick of it but anyway this saucy chick needs to dance and so do i and so thats what i tell her right? im like siiiii pero, necesitamos bailar...and then homeboy is like hes gonna go and shes like looking in the one direction where hes about to get in his car and the other where macas hailing a cab...
and as usual i somehow manage to insert myself right in the middle of everybodys drama and i swear i dont do this on purpose..
i grab her hands and tell her again that we have to dance but then i dont know..somethin came over me and i push her up against the wall and kiss her...yeah i dunno..
i mean we flirt all the time but its just a joke..
sorta
i guess
so in this exact moment out walks my roomate who has a not so secret anymore crush on her and hes not like mad in love or anything but he kinda likes her so im drunk and confused and then i feel terrible and hes like
i soooo saw that
and im liike...oh..sorry about that
and then we all jump in a cab and chick and i are talkin for a sec and its basically fine and we get to the club and i realize im seeing double even though i only had two drinks so while my peeps argue abt cover and such i start to slink off cause i think i might puke and ashley catches up with me and shes like man you cant wander off in this hood, do you need to puke?
im like uh huh..
shes like man, make yourself puke, youll feel better, just get in there and finger your tonsils for all there worth
this is the only woman i know who is cruder than me and i admire it soo...she routinely says when fucked up or upset WELL FUCK ME IN THE ASS!!!
anyway so i cant barf on the street and then her buddy homeboy whatever the hell his name is shows up and im like i gotta go home and the two of them jump into a cab with me and i ride like a sick puppy with my head hangin out the window thinking cool air nice wind good no want vomit rach go home sleep nice bed good we like
soooooooo these kids take me home and tuck my fucked up ass in with a bucket and a lot of water....
ima leave it at that
and the thing that sucks is that i routinely drink far more than what i had last night, or at least here i do...i dunno...
but i swore to myself last night that if i could stop ralphing and just pass the fuck out id never drink again........
in other news
j emailed me to tell me he had read the blog and just to let me know im not doing this whole fuckin thing sola..which was nice..there was a minute when i was really afraid that he was just gonna go away...and hes my family you know? its like, i dont know what will happen when i go back but i need to know that whatever happens my fam is still there...its the thing i was most afraid of...even sittin by the river like a month before departure date with j and v and cheets...and just being so scared of never getting to come back there..
i dunno
and i talked to the kid who i havent seen in two weeks...and that was ok, mostly..i dunno i guess i just started to worry that i wouldnt get my little buddy back if i couldnt fend off my own wounded pride and stuff...
and cause its all so tangled up with all this other stuff and i just need to untangle it...but it still sucks to be the one who is all fucked up even if i do have many other reasons for it....and i have some anger stuff that i dont wanna take out on him or anyone else for that matter...i dunno...its tough...
had this dream last night about a fluffy tufty little black kitten who was totally adorable and i was walkin around with it everywhere and then we were in a taxi and he just started to scratch the shit out of me and it was pretty extreme like i was bleeding all over the place..
my subcon mind is subtle as a fuckin anvil falling at 50mph..

im all about givin the peeps what they want...

so i decided to tell the story about what happened when my pants met the ecuadorian t-shirt kid. turns out they only one l in his name but im fins to talk some shit here so i aint gonna say it
well
the gringo crew + maca dragged ourselves over to Rheas place where my pants got a reception como
damn baby those are some bangin pants and
these must be the infamous pants and
can i just touch your ass?(this from la rubia)
she needed to ask? she can do whatever she wants! and
hey whats up rach?
yeah so anyway the pants were popular the piscola was flowin and t shirty kid was kickin it..
then i find out that the week before my roomate maca had seen t-shirt kid and i dancing and been like, oh those two are hookin up, to his roomate who was like what? so apparently they made a bet cause maca was like, no i know my girl, she likes him...so all i had to do was kiss the kid and she won...or at least i think thats what was up...by the time she cornered me i was drunk, she was speaking spanish, and everyone was talking loud...
i told her i coulndnt promise anything...
so then we all jammed to a club
now you all know i love me some salsa some reggae some reggaeton..whatev.
this dj was spinnnin mothafuckin hip hop
i was like, let me out there...
we went crazy
all of of
didnt leave the floor the whole night...
so i get some dance on and then im dancin with the kid and he kisses me and its like somethings not quite right and then i realize that i cant do casual kiss any more than i can do casual sex...im kissing him but im like, i guess i just realized i didnt like the guy so much as i just wanted to be distracted from the double D which is how i prefer to refer to being dumped twice so it sounds more like big breasts and less like insane amounts of rejection for just one girl to deal with so anyway i realize that im just kinda using the kid as a distraction from all of that and thats pretty fucked up so i pull away and we just dance for a bit...
at a certain point i gotta jet cause the kids crampin my style...
i just wanna dance..and when its a choice between getting yer groove on and gettin yer flirt on...
anyway so its crazy, i mean the dj is seriously good, and we got a bunch of gringos...its like putting fiending potsmokers in humbolt county
we dont leave the floor all night
people have to bring us beer
im dancin with my roomie adrian who is all funny and bouncy and i start to get crazy...
now yall know i normally get a little nutty but im talking nearly three months and i gotta always try to dance to somebody elses beat and they just now started spinnin hip hop im going nuts
like turn around touch the ground get back up shake yer butt
this is skinny this is fat
jen knows what im talkin about
nuckin futs
at a certain point i garner some kinda drunken chilean fan club
im like, yo man..this just how its done in califas
i mean i know 12yr olds can pop that shit better than me...
they dont seem to care, they just gather and then create some space and cheer my ass on...
and yall know how i get
folks should prolly not encourage me
im poppin the booty hittin the ground shaking everything i got so hard and fast i nearly give myself an asthma attack
literally
i was like rach..um..i cant breathe...and i still didnt stop till the song ended...

then the dj did this crazy shit with girls just wanna have fun, and Rhea one of my favorite gringas of all time, hits the floor and starts pulling all these girls into the middle...not even girls she knows just girls...at first they look confused, then there is this like crowd of mostly chilean girls and a few gringas locas in the middle of the dance floor jumpin around goin nuts and a bunch of dudes standing around like...what happened?
finally the dj stops and the lights go on..
then we leave...
a few members of the fan club follow..
we shake them off and jump in a cab
next morning maca calls the house from work to say thats my girl cause she won the bet...
i had forgotten
and felt a little bad, cause he was a cute kid but really i wasnt interested i just was looking for...distraction...
so then i find out that he totally made out with this other chick i know later in the same night...and then im like
que asco
fuckin nasty
and
homey dont play that
cause man i aint even tryin to play like that...
but at least i didnt get the sloppy seconds huh?
and i kind of deserved it cause i wasnt being integral
como pan my damn self now was i?
which reminds me,
i have done the switch..brown bread, brownish crackers, plain oatmeal
plain yogurt...but i aint givin up my cookies for nobody...
you will have to pry the cookies from my cold dead hands...
oh and i resized the pic i deleted the post..nothin..fuckem.

bad connection/mistaken identity III

i miss me as well
the me that barges in and does what has to be done
here i am all holding back
like a danger or a sickness kept at bay
it was all just a case of mistaken identity
i thought i felt as if i were safe like coming home
like having a home to come home to
holding you felt like that
but i must have been wrong
not safe haven
more like any port in a storm
but it didnt feel like that
it felt like being exactly where i should be
which is where i never should have been
i cant see what happened just collision
and you like parts of me
parts im looking for and cant seem to find
parts i left far behind
i utilize words trying to describe an abstracted image of the thing that is you
and description is always inadequate
language always falls flat
leaving me heavy confused and feverish with a pen in my hands
trying to determine just where things went wrong
and you in my dreams smiling and telling me everything worked out fine
that you didnt have to lose anything and i
having lost bigtime
so angry and hurt tried to take away the only thing i could
which was me
one more time the fuckin jokes on me
cause this isnt anything you miss
its nothing you need
and never was
just a salty taste on your lips
an unfamiliar smell
y no te cuesta nada perder esta cosa que yo soy
bien terible corriendo salvaje
una gringa loca
a bad connection
a case of mistaken identity

bad connection/mistaken identity II

if id only listened more closely to the silences between your words
the spaces in which i heard
only my own breath
if only id never left
but id been leaving since the day we met
the you i address is a shifting thing
sometimes you sometimes him sometimes me
you again
and in the spaces between us you are carried to me like a smell in the wind
i see you in certain mannerisms hear you in parts of speech
and this other you this he this me
lost drifting revuelta girando
siento tan sola y no puedo dejarte
i cant seem to leave far enough to leave you behind
i wanted so badly not to feel trapped but this thing i feel now
i wouldnt call that free
just sad and stupid and scared and turned inside out
and the wanting you that im not allowed to do
turning to a burning rage firing me like clay
dry eyed heaving chest heavy feet kicking up sand
concrete
out of town
city streets
i cant seem to get far enough away
and this other you seperated by an ocean airmailed to me on purple sheets that lie beside my empty bed empty lips empty hands
i miss you so much J
miss waking next to you miss your touch your smell your giggly laugh
being held so tight felt like i couldnt fall
what did i know of how things hold
when you take the supports away

bad connection/mistaken identity

it was a bad connection my own words echoing back to me
a pause between what you said and your words reaching me
it was a bad idea a case of mistaken identity
i should never have left i should have stayed
leaving is all i know how to do
just like light through trees i flicker and fade
pointless speculation
just trying to understand what the hell happened to me
like something that hit me while standing still
this bitter breath remains
still trying to break it before it breaks me
stray dogs acompañarme
endless nighttime walks
restlessness near legendary i can only rest while in motion it seems
i should have walked away
i should never have cried
not for this disaster zone that is you and me
but ill eat my words tonight in my solitary bed as i fall asleep whispering hush
recordaré levantarme en luz tal como miel
light from a window that backlights your sleeping self
i have no choice but to remember being rocked in your arms like a baby
as i try in vain to finish composing this desolation song
wanting to whirl through whatever time is needed for you to stop lurking in my head
you are
and remain
lying in wait
a landmine in my head a whisper on my lips
something that stands between me and the rest of the world
and you
¿Qué imagenes tú?
was it so easy to leave and pick up where you left off as if nothing happened?
if so nothing did
nothing passed between us
we never really met
it was all just a case of mistaken identity

sap

woke with heavy heart heavy aching breasts
image of you golden gently slipping tip of nipple between soft lips
dim ghost in a cold room
feeling numb and stupid
why did i ever let you under my skin
fighting soft sway
continual pull of gravity of magnetism of
your smell your hair your skin
your small broad hands your thumb on the flesh of my lower lip
this flash melts me liquid bloated with unshed tears
crouched in my perch far beneath the cordillera
trying to crystallize
i become more solid daily
long night walks trying not to search for you in every face
returning like a criminal to the scene of the crime
a desperate measure
a calculated risk
i milk this desolation sorrow sap from my veins
trying to let it flow out and be gone
i should never have looked for you that night
you should never have been there for me to find
i should have curled fetal into a ball at your feet
i should never have cried
or should never have stopped
feel so foolish
girl
lost woman child
this will be a tough day

ive been told i suck a mean dick..

yeah i know...
thats one way to start a blogpost..
i will give head and/or money and/or hair advice to anyone who can help me fix my sidebar!!! already tried reformatting, basically republished the whole thing and re linked all my links...nothin doin...
¡¡ayúdame por favor!!

well i tell you what...im sooooo not a pedophile!!!!!

so my ass got on a damn bus and left town...went to another town with cleaner air and some rio called bio bio...i was all whatup bio bio, how you doin?...it was really nice, all sunny and lovely with kids and pidgeons and shit..then we hit this other town with a mine and got to wear hardhats to go tour em...everybody looks good in a hardhat...or at least we did..then i started getting really cranky and just wanted to go home and then the next day we did...it was cool...but the only good thing about this week is that its extra short..still feelin pretty crappy takin tons of long walks...yoga helps, and at least now im gettin some homework done

but realized something important while talkin with jen...she was like, ok but all those scruffy hair kinda styly mod/hipster boys here start hella young, its different at home that tattered grandpa pants converse thing generally indicates someone mid to late 20s and i was like, im not a pedophile? and she was like no man, its a cultural thing..stuff doesnt exactly translate...thats why this is a different version, but it also begins hella earlier here...back home those guys would still be all indy or punk...and i was like, so im not a pedophile? and she was all nah man...and then i got all excited and started yelling yay im not a pedophile until my roomate adrian asked me to stop saying pedophile cause we were still in a park full of children..so then i stopped...

speaking of pedophiles, ash and i were discussing the merits of the catholic schoolgirl uniform on the way home from yoga today, and the concept that anybody who is hot without a tie has the potential to be hot with one...which at first i didnt believe cause those business type peeps are not my thing but then i thought about how really its the tie that makes the catholic schoolgirl uniform so goddam enticing and then we decided fuck being brujas, our asses gonna be catholic schoolgirls for halloween...

its the very word tie and all the things it indicates, tie up, tie down...pretty much all fuckin good stuff...if you see what i mean

cuttin back on the carbs

so i swore to myself that i was going to study my ass off, get to my first class, do all my reading for spanish, look up words write sentences ect. and i did. then i skipped spanish cause it was just presentations on the boring reading i just did to come home cause i was so frickin tired...
you win some you lose....
whatcha gonna do.
anyway at some point in the caffienated haze as i was trying to come up with a sentence using vertiginosamente. (yeah you try that sometime.) i realized that i need to stay away from the white butter baked in fresh daily so good so cheap bread...i gotta switch, that and the crackers...im a have to find me some brown bread and some brown crackers cause im startin to get a little panza(belly) here and now i know why they call it that, its made entirely of bread...

(this here sentence hangs vertiginously from the page...)

see the thing is i was just following my instincts, i was like yo chile whatup whatchoo got to eat and it was like hella bland ass food, lotta meat, really fuckin good bread...amazingly delish ice cream...some rather strange salads..rice..
i was like yo whatup throw me some of that bread...

not any more, ima eat more veggies, i know i say this all the time even at home but there j sometimes came home and cooked me actual food or made salad, cause for some unknown reason toast and tea are about the limits of what im willing to do in the cooking dept and anything more seems like a lot of prep for not much payoff..

ok so there was that. then i left school skipping my spanish class...i mean after that sentence, what did they have to teach my ass?

so the deal i made with myself is that cutting down on carbs and studying all day and taking a nap and making it to my class tom morning equals i get to go to Rheas party tonight and maybe out dancing after...

and those fancy new pants that just wanna dance and fit like a second skin? (albeit a bright white pink red marroon and black circles of varying sizes loud as fuck ridiculous second skin)they still aint gone dancin...and...you know how you can like have dance chemistry with somebody, well this guy who was out with us last week, we had us some of that i think, so i hope he will be there again...my pants want to meet him...i cant remember his name, it had a few ls in it.. i just called him the little t-shirty guy in my head, which he was...but in a good way...with the kind of rumpled hair skinny boy tight T...i mean bigger than me of course...but anyway...

that dance business is good for me cause i cant really as much as i might like to have casual sex, but i can have casual dance...then again, thats pretty intimate too, i mean you end up really close and sweaty...when its good anyway..not like some nasty dude and you all man back up off of my shit already...anyway so it was the good kind with this guy who i cant remember his name and i didnt find out how old he is which i should do...hell i should actually card people before i agree to dance with them...

i mean this is not usually a problem, i am not generally attracted to people younger than me unless you count like 15yr old girls, and everybody attracted to them...which i learned today is a great thing about skipping yer afternoon class is that you get to walk home through fuckin throngs of short pleated skirt wearing plus a tie, god the tie schoolgirls...nearly got ran off the sidewalk and it was really ok by me...oh but my point is that aside from that im not generally attracted to people younger than me...only the thing is that in my program, pretty much everyone is...and my school..and they hella cram some school together here, so you get through it faster...i dunno at home i was older than some of the people at my school but generally not much older than the people in the classes for my major...dunno...and they was plenty of fools like me all up on the ten year (as opposed to tenure) track to graduation...so the point is that lots of people here that i generally meet are younger than me...maybe i need to just get involved in some outside activities...who knows...

and its not like im ashamed to be 28. i think its great actually, cause at 21 i was a fuckin mess and now im so much smarter and thats really fun too...but it certainly complicates things..
...speaking of which i have officially classified the kid, nacho i mean...as a carb...tastes great not so filling...just kidding. rather, something i dont really need an excess of in my diet right now...kinda chillin on that a bit...which is always necesary its just that it sucks cause hes my friend, which would still be run of the mill if it wasnt the case that most of my other friends are in another country...but whatevs. im hoping i can just get a little space and all of this crap will chill...

got a letter from j today on purple paper and as usual he was so honest and brave and beautiful and real and in touch with how he feels and willing to say it..i dunno..it was just, something..those of you who know j know already but seriously he is the sweetest most amazing beautiful being i have met in the form of man in the whole fuckin world...god i love that man...i better go before the pendulum swings again.

back in the saddle again

picture if you will, the ridiculous pendulum that is my emotional self mood swingin wildly from side to side, with me hangin on fer dear life like im tarzan and its a vine...yup and today im doin the tarzan call
i think its because i woke up feeling pretty good, had a nice dream about a lesbian couple (nobody i know)celebrating thier anniversary...
then i rushed to finish my thoughts on some stuff i was sposed to present in class having to do with poetry and eternity and durable materials and death...
lucky for me she never even got to my ass...
so i am going to provide a brief outline so as to keep myself on track, today we will speak of candy and bread, toilet paper, and pedestrians, with a brief touching on penises...
well thats a nice way to say it isnt it? almost makes you want to...heres what i want to say, i have learned (THROUGH CONVERSATION!!!) that dudes are not routinely circumcised here. kinda makes sense, i mean, they Catholic...and the more you think about it the more fucked up circumcision seems, if you arent jewish i mean and maybe even then, i get that its a form of genital mutilation and i suspect that this is why our culture is so fucked up...i might start a war or some shit too if somebody cut off a piece of my shit..
that said. its what im used to.
i think i saw an uncircumcised penis once at an E party, but i didnt get a chance to touch it and the light was pretty dim...really all i can do to try and imagine what that looks like is think about say, horses or dogs...and thats fuckin gross...
so sad to say but my initial reaction was like ohmygodno!! and thats about all i have on that.

moving right along to the candy and the bread. In an effort to integrate myself more fully into chilean culture and as a practical economic measure, i have decided to stop buying M&M´s. they cost twice as much as other candy of relatively the same composition, small, round, candy coating, bright colors...so i am now a rocklets girl for those days when the wimpy coffee aint cutting it..
as for the bread. well im getting worried about my diet. yall know i am some snackin bitch. all my meals resemble snacks to some degree more or less but i am beginning to be concerned about a rather high consumption of bread. strangely at home this wasnt an issue but there were many more kinds of crackers granola bars and rice cakes there...here its like my main food. i dont really bother to prepare actual meals i just eat toast all the time. made of these delicious fluffy buttery white rolls this is fresh bread my people. but im worried its bad for me to eat so much of it or i might start gaining weight or feeling really heavy..i mean i dont eat white bread at all at home much less three times a day...and im serious...breakfast is toast and fruit maybe yogurt lunch is lots and lots of fruit onces is toast and crackers and more fruit plus cookies and dinner is more toast or a sandwitch, which is also basically toasted bread...i might have to look at some alternatives...but its just so fuckin yummy...

then theres the pedestrian. now i know that pedestrian means someone on foot. and that doesnt strike me as particularly funny. but here, where all the signs are addressed to Señor Peaton. basically you sir, over there with the feet. or as i like to call him, Mr. Walkin Dude...well that strikes me as funny as fuck. maybe its the gendered nature of it, not just that when in doubt one reverts to masculine, we do that in english too, but it would be like mr pedestrian...which would be a little funny...i dunno

well i gotta jam im sposed to read up a storm hit yoga and read some more...planning on getting out of town for the weekend and pretty stoked cause i havent left except that one trip to Valpo...

weathering the storm

swingin with the moods
walkin through the rain
every time i think ive weathered the storm it just starts in again
dark clouds crowd heavy skies open up and pour
the weather swingin too and i feel like a weathervane
so angry i just want to scream
i could shatter this town just level it all in a fit of rage
sometimes quietly desolate wondering
why all of this
cause i had forgotten what it felt like to be held through a long night
and it wasnt bad that forgetting
it was ok
i feel now like a gift thats been returned
and its an awful metaphor
a random confluence of events
leaving me
siempre stupid gringa stumbling speech
siempre sola
walking city streets

just to let yall know

its gonna get a little triste around here for a minute, i promise not forever but i have to tell this shit to somebody...just hang in there folks...and thanks for your patience...

gringa sola part III

it becomes necesary at times to put on music i know as well as i know the contours of my own body and sing along
to remind myself that my hands are not and cannot be empty
filled as they are with lines that chart the number of years i have been here on this earth in this skin
sometimes walk until my legs are heavy and tired
and i cant think about anything anymore
sometimes find an empty swingset and swing
smoking in the dark
sometimes rock myself to sleep
like a baby whisper shhhh its ok hush now
sometimes assure myself that i am held firmly in strong capable hands that cant be empty because if they were i would fall

Gringa Sola part II

spinning dizzy
running wild
like a cartoon character stepping off a cliff into empty air
instinctively holding very still
solid
dont look down
chasm that opens inside my chest
trying to avoid that and myself
avoid that stare walk through my profile in the cool night air
approach and swerve
im a coward
im scared
hands clenched into fists
body rigid
holding steady
useless evasions
a series of manuevers designed to avoid feeling how i feel instead of just letting go and letting it flow through me
im afraid
that its bigger than i am
that i could break on these waters my feet dont touch ground
so many flaws
chipping away at the facade i would like to portray
grow up he says and deal with it
easy for him to say
one enormous game of keep away keeping me from noticing how i am
fractured sandstone shift
center cannot hold
fragmented rupture shards facets gleam
blue shadows light the way
stubbed toe on cold stone stair
brushing teeth in the dim light
looming lurking
getting ready for bed

gringa sola part I

puedo escribir
grey rain
grey day
ripples on water
concrete grey
knees buckle liquid mass of self stirred by winds
bandoleras rascando por viento
harmless falling asleep on hard concrete
manos abiertas y vacias
cara cortante
maldita flor levantada hacia el cielo pidiendo la lluvia sucia y gris
para desconocerme
en cuidad gris que pasa sin tocarme
mis manos rotas
espacio vacío abriendo dentro de mi pecho
cara tan blanca que dislumbre en sueños tristes
grey skies
grey day and a poem like a razorblade
slicing clean slide through white surface of skin
revealing pulsing red heart
opening and closing like the mouths of goldfish
behind cold glass

¿How do you like me NOW Fat Boy?

i have made an important decision
motivated in part by the cold grey depressing day that was yesterday..sunday always sucks...it always rains, i always need to study, im always missing somebody and walking in the rain listening to like i said songs...
i mean at home sunday is a little gloomy, here its downright depressing...chile is like smoking pot, it enhances everything...that can be good or bad..thats why im a crazy mood swinging pmsin manic depressive bitch up in here..
maybe its the proximity to monday..maybe its the knowledge that homework must now be done...maybe its that everything here is closed, seems like everyone just dissapeared
now monday seriously sucks....
puta lunes
no me gusta para nada
bien...
see saturday is usually pretty damn nice, this last one had some issues and i think that lack of sleep and food were pretty big in the making of an issueful satidy...
and the not so good saturday made for a shittier than usual sunday..i mean it was aight by the end of the day, you know like how you just kinda glum it up and then finally you get tired of being so gloomy and you do some fuckin homework...

but thats not my point, my point is that on the upswing of a pretty glum sunday i came up with a brilliant plan...

not content to let everyone else have the last say, from the kid to the j to good ole wes who has barely entered my existence in recent years and thinks he can show up now that my heart has been broken into a bazillion bits, not to offer support but talk shit abt its all my fault anyway w just barely veiled illusions to our not so pretty breakup of what 5 YEARS AGO?????

well my friends, and let me be clear darlings, to the three dudes i just mentioned, i love you each very much in very different ways and i think you are all spectacular and stunning...in fact probably the thing that you particular three have in common is that you are each amazingly, stunningly compassionate, kind, careful of not hurting those around you and i appreciate that a whole bunch...i really do, im not even kidding abt that but the fact is that i have been bouncing through stages of grief like a ping pong ball...and i need to work through a little bit of anger right now.....

so as much as i appreciate that none of you would intentionally hurt anyone, you are pretty much all hurting ME right this fuckin minute...

so.

in order that i can have the last say and reject your rejection of me, i have decided to reject myself. i know that doesnt quite make sense but in a way it does..
thats right im dumping myself, i have just outdumped all of you, and i get all the fabulous consolation prizes...the crazy t shirt, i get that...

yeah...it was pretty sad, i decided on this course last night over some cookies and tea and decided first thing monday morning i would break up with me...

i mean the sex was amazing, and i loved going for walks and talking about everything and dancing and listening to music and reading me passages of poetry out loud..and lets get serious for a second, im pretty fuckin cute...damn. i am one sexy bitch actually and im really gonna miss that fine ghetto booty....

but i had to end it.

it just wasnt working out. i mean, the problem wasnt me, it was me. but im hoping i can still be friends with myself. i really value me as a person..
.... i think im pretty special and i hope i can still hang out...its nothing personal really and i hope i dont take it too hard, these things just happen..
i mean really im not rejecting me, more like, im just sort of transforming the way i view myself...

hahhahahahahhhaaa mwahhh hahhh ahhhhhaaaaaaa

yeah i know. i sound more than a little bitter and angry. well whatchoo gonna do? thats how i feel, and like i always say, if you dont like it you can leave...which is what i just did...

now here we get to the good part.
since our sad pathetic little self only ever wants that which
1. it cant have
2. doesnt want it back

i can now freely moon about missing myself. i can have conversations with myself in my head, i can pick up the phone a million times to start dialling my number...i can remember how lovely i am in certain lights, hell maybe this isnt the end, maybe i can win me back...maybe if i can just remind myself what a good time i had with me, how much we love each other...who knows...maybe if i send flowers and buy myself candy...i sure do love candy...

either way, with or without me, i have now had the final say.

So now how do you like me????

well denial is a beautiful thing

theres like this thing where yer all ok wow that sure sucked
whooo
well im glad thats over
hooooooooobbooy
and then you realize that you are a jackass who has barely gotten through the FIRST PHASE OF GRIEF (drumroll puleeese)
DENIAL
ah sweet bliss of being able to think things like, getting dumped twice in one weekend is an amusing anecdote, a funny story if you think about it...
...well i for one am no longer fuckin amused and i would like to just let it be known...
i am also full of shit cause i keep trying to play like getting rejected by the kid doesnt hurt and it does or how since im so fuckin far away it can just not even kill me at all that i am now a ra minus one j
and not having this being in existence who already knows exactly how fucked up i am and loves me anyway and no matter what and is just there that is j loving me and how that feels like a safety net or a belay line like i can just jump cause he my mothafuckin parachute from no matter where no matter what...
well not having that literally sucks ass
no that doesnt even begin to say it, not having that sucks bulging bright red baboon ass..
and its raining again and im pmsing my roomate woke my ass up to bum a smoke cause i cant lock my door and sposed to meet you know who for coffee today cause both of us couldnt get out last night but i feel like a wreck like i cant deal with acting as if i were a human being as opposed to a walking festering open sore...
sorry for the grotesque imagery but is there anyone else out there who wants to fuckin reject me????
i mean we got mofuckin door prizes going out now, you can get a fluffy little stuffed puppy or a keychain or something or a t shirt that says "i dumped ra and all i got was this lousy t shirt"...