degree

what is true and what i choose to believe is really just a matter of degrees anyway
i can choose to believe that time is cyclical
that everything happens for a reason
that its always worth the risk
unless its not
but it usually is
because i have loved people in very different places from me
sometimes places i couldnt reach or couldnt follow and they have tried to be
wise and kind and and loving enough to let me leave
or tell me when i couldnt follow
there have been those who allowed me to be what i was
which was often a complicated thing
who knew or tried to know when to let me stay and when to send me away
when i had travelled as far as i could
and i have loved those who are in a different place from me and i have tried to be wise and loving and kind and tried to know
when to let them go
and you are one of those
and i choose to believe that i was right in the first place
right in the second
and right in the third
perhaps confused in the matter of degree
because my only other option is wrong on all counts
leaving me an idiot and you a coward or a fool
because the ball is in my court i can say what i want
and know damn well you wont have the balls to read this anyway
so heres what i have to say
to the first person i let close to me
after three years with j
who earned his place in my heart a través de su poesía y su amor para mí
after a year alone trying to figure out my own place on my own
after a long summer of watching leaves fall slowly
to rest on pebbles
of tiny splashes in a cold river
of play of light on my naked feet
i refuse to believe that what passed when i let you near me was all a mistake
i choose to believe we are in different places
and i fucked up like we all always do
in calculating what was only a matter of degree