the news

well there aint much of it.

ive been bumming about looking for work and a home and setting up my school schedule and planning js birthday.

looks like i have a really decent shot at moving in with martin lempke in a space that i really like and have always wanted to live in, its a warehouse space with tons of art the roomates are dancers and they always have a lot of stuff going on...

its also funnily built up with a little catwalk and extra small low cielinged bedrooms which other folks have to duck to enter, but not me..

they have classes and events there and are doing butoh one night a week, so if i move in all the studio classes are free basically...and ive wanted to do butoh for like ever...

so its not for sure for sure, i need to meet the roomates and kinda kick it a little bit and see how it goes...

well marty just called and said they are having an open house tonight i shd stop by after frisbee which is a kermit scene and pretty fun ultimate frisbee in the park wednesday thing, so that sorta thing always makes me truly nervous as it comes down popularity contestlike...

in other news it sounds like im about to get hired to do some work for august which is great and have my school sched set up as well as odd jobs for folks i used to work for..stressing a little bit..about scheduling money i dont have living on credit cards how i no longer have a bed cause j wants to keep the futon the whole horrific open house scene to fill the room at martys place and not to mention my brother is subletting martys room for august so if i move in itd be two of us...for a month..

so who knows...

the bright white light of what happens next

i know many of my faithful audience of like two people are wondering where the hell is this chick, what the fuck happens next

well ill tell you. my bro asked the fam to come out to the welcome home and out of nowhere we had this huge family conference and started dealing with some of the issues that put the fun in disfunctional up in my fam. then thier car needed repairs and js bday trip to the river got cancelled and v and i decided to keep my sister kate for another week..

so that was my first week back and it was amazing exhausting and strange, the mouse(kate) had just turned 15 but somehow in all the bustle last year of preparation to leave i had not noticed just how grown she was getting and this year literally was shocked to find such a lovely aware confident intelligent beautiful and taller than me young woman had taken my baby sisters place

i remember the first time my mom and i talked as two adults, well thats what this was, and we had lots and lots of stuff to talk about and work through in terms of our re...so oddly enough my readjustment to this country took backseat to emotional communicative needs with my family..

but it wasnt all intense and serious, we also had a lot of fun laughing and going out to the movies and walking around my city which dazzled me anew with her brilliant gleaming multicolored hues, visiting muir woods to commune with cali trees bigger than any others and green green green..

at the end of the week we three tripped to reno to devolver kate and stayed the night in a hotel which was silly and cheesy and fun, we dressed for dinner and swam in the pool and i got to see my other sister when we dropped off kate..

i dont know how to explain it, its strange but over there so far from all that i love i came to the conclusion that families can break but they can also be put back together with some consciousness and intention and hard work...

and i had to apply that to my family here, kermit and marty cheets victoria and especially j.

so its been hectic and crazy looking for a job and a home and j and i went back to couples counseling to try and figure out how to remake our partnership anew and last night we had a real breakthrough on our date, he took me to holistica!

where we watched performances, bid on the enormous dreamcatchers spinning from the cieling, chatted and ate veggies and hummus and pita bread and crunchy soy chips drank beer looked at art and then finally danced spinning from individual movement silliness to whole group improvisational inspirational californificated madness of foot stomp in rhythm hands pounding on floor to lofty lightness of flighty wirl through banners that read Dream! Envision! Embody!

and one very tall man jumped about chanting in tune with the music what would you do what would you do what would you do and i said if you couldnt dance? and he said with a wild grin well i guess youd just move right? and he did and so did the
gothy redhead and the adorable girl who studies circus arts and moves so light on those delicate feet and the thicker girl with afro haitain and modern manuevers so solidly in herself and the old gent jumpin and the grey haired lady giggling and the lady with the huge grin and the glasses wearing guy all of us spinning leaping laughing and landing heavy or light reaching for that hanging ring from the cieling always so high but if you jump float spin just in reach

cheese blintz

one completely dazed jet lagged and sleepy sleepy girl clutching teddy, dakota salvador allende, sal to the rest of us stepped out of the arrivals gate into a bright light of i dont know whats next to be greeted with screams and squeezes and hugs...

while a few of the greeters were seemingly slightly drunk all were tired and slightly dazed and perhaps a little delusional which explains to a certain degree what happened next...

it being around 2am and therefore the burrito option not much of one it was generally decided breakfast would be good instead. we all headed to ihops cause whats more american than that? iternational even! international house of pancakes!!

i had presents for the kids and we were all excited to check that out and all kinda giddy really so we took a long time ordering...we got some motza sticks (motza sticks!!! basically battered and fried cheese but man that bings me back) and finally all settled on orders...i hesitated between pancakes and cheese blintz while v searched for protien (at ihop you ask? protien?)

when the food came we all found ourselves in the throes of the realization that you really cant order anything other than pancakes at ihop. how had we forgotten? presents and delirium, i for one looked up all excited every time someone walked in the room, literally thrilled by the diverse assortment of sanfranciscans dining at ihop at two am...plus i was checking out their clothes trying to figure out what this pin striped shorts thing was about and just amazed with the variety of types of faces and bodies and hair, basically not everyone was chilean for the first time in a long time and i felt each time this jolt of recognition thinking do i know that guy? his girl? and then realizing that i knew this combination of diverse people because this is what my city looks like...

so v had the worst fish shed ever tasted in her life, cheets a strange rubbery egg on english muffin concoction that was certainly not eggs benny j and kermel were ok but i couldnt even deal with the sticky sweet cheese filled crepy whatever on my plate...

there was too much cheese in my blintzes.

finally we gave up and split all the fries and cheese sticks between us and then paid and left. i was going home with victoria while kermit would be throwing a big homecoming bbq the next day.

so vic and i went back to her place where i expected to collapse with exaustion but found ourselves talking until the sun was well up and then i hit a wall and had to shower and sleep and that was probably the nicest shower and the softest coziest made up squishy comfy sofa ever so sal and i snuggled down into the big down comforter j had dropped off at vs for me and fell happily asleep...

the next day we woke late and starved and v asked exactly where do you wanna go for a burrito and should we stop for coffee? sure i said ok...well we stopped at a starbucks..(thats right the cold war is over they give health care including dental to even part time employees and thats more than the non profs i work for can say: those bitches never even offered my broke ass health care).. where the nice people said to me here try this banana caramel frappalattawhteva and i did cause it was in these itty bitty sample cups and i was like jesus mary and joseph thats the best thing i ever had..

then i looked over at the display case and there were all these cookies and muffins and the lights so bright and the place so big and clean and i started to feel headswimmy overwhelmed and v was like what do you want and i said cold coffee would be good...so they gave me an iced coffee and i put cream in it and that was the best shit i had tasted ever

until we got our asses into cancun in the mish and again i was tongue tied and overwhelmed as beautiful hip young people of all colors melded into latino crowds in the streets and taquerias with bright red and yellow and gold and murals on the walls and big containers of horchata and people would bump into me going for the water and i would say perdon or permiso cause things were still coming out in spanish...

then i ordered my big veggie burrito with green salsa and sat down with v to eat and that shit was the best thing i had tasted in well over a year, but somehow i couldnt really eat much of it so i went to ask for a bag and tripped over my tongue wanting to say tiene una bolsa but not wanting to come off like a dumb gringo who knows enough spanish to order a burrito so instead slowly and deliberately saying do you have a bbb bag... v laughed at me when we got out and said it looked like i was having a difficult time and i said yeah..po..

then i had to tinkle so i went back in and used the bathroom and this time all the boys in back started whistling cause i had worn this short skirt thinking it was summer outside and i said ya pues corta la huea and then i dashed out giggling...

then we went back to vs to shower and change and headed for the bbq but thats another story cause right now i gotta pee yet again...

homecoming

so my last day in chile flew by with all the little errands i needed to run dropping off programas at school and such...

so that i had only begun packing when people began showing up for a little informal final despedida. they laughed at me and called me a slacker, but i was getting a little panicky about how really was i going to fit everything in.

i had decided not to try and pay 100bucks to bring an extra bag, for the compelling reason that i didnt have a hunnerd. thus i had decided to bring home the same number of bags that i brought to begin with and expand the definition of purse to mean i would have a fuckload of shit as my carry on. i had been getting rid of books and clothes and school stuff for a few weeks and mentally packing for days.

well let me just tell you mental packing is not packing. i was starting to get panicky and impatient with demands for ice and ashtrays and the well intentioned queries of my guests of how really was i planning to fit all that shit in those bags...

then rhea and leonna showed, calling me the worlds worst procrastinator. and i was but i had literally finished my last paper the evening before...so whatev the party starts moving into the living and leonnna is quietly counseling me (thanks sweetie you saved my sanity) that i probably need a pile of things that might just stay in chile...i agree

out goes vargas llosa and the camo pants i stole from j(sorry hon) the really really stained matt gonzalez t i wore on my volunteer work detail along with a couple pairs of pants i hadnt been wearing for a while and my favorite camo cutoffs which rhea offered to haul to cali.

i began smashing stuff into my bags in the space that remained after books and boots and jackets and shoes had gone in and promptly broke a nail...i was actually packed by about 1 in the morning and went to join the party...

i didnt drink much, just talked to people...hung out..got tired...
left for the airport at about 4 in the morning feeling exhausted and a bit sad to be going and unbelieving that someday soon i would be home.

saying goodbye to ash and nick i just started to cry and i think it startled them but i was just overwhelmed by the notion that my evil twin would now be so far instead of right next to my room...

i got into immigration tired and sad and still crying and noticed id broken another nail. so i started to gnaw off the others in what may have been some sort of stripping down in preparation for return.

i finally got on a plane. my flight lasted forever. it went from santiago to lima, lima to bogata, bogata to san jose costa rica, and from there to san salvador then to sfo and i changed planes each stop..that would be 4times for those counting...

i made a few little friends on my flights though, being loaded down with both sal and this fat little dinosaurio that leo gave me little kids on a few of my flights were like what up yo. or the equivalent in little kid spanish. all the food served on all the flights was the same deal of you can buy a ham and cheese or we will give you chips so i ate a shit ton of chips and juice and the crackers and granola bars i had with me

...from 6am in santiago to nearly 6pm in san salvador...

where im not certain the plane was not held aloft by the ancient woman praying beside me...i slept knowing wed arrive around 1 in the morning and i woke suddenly and looked out my window to see a moon nearly full and bright bright bright and the little twinkling lights of california so near i cried and held sal up to see and said were home buddy thats cali (thinking hey the pilot could just drop me off here)

i was pretty impatient all through the approach and landing and waiting and immigration where i found i said gracias instead of thank you todavia...collected my bags on a smartecarte and walked out into the moment that had in my mind been imaged just as a white light of i dont know what happens next...

i had been thinking the whole set of flights what will it be like? i kept worrying my gnawed nails and thinking why did i cut my hair and then replying rach these are your friends they love you anyway it doesnt matter.

i literally screamed and abandoned my cart when i heard there she is and caught a glimpse of cheets vic kermel and j, i ran to them and we hugged and cried until somebody said hey man where yo shit at? j was all glowing goldy tawny wearing grandaddys jacket and my girls exactly the same and kermel sippin on a fuckin corona in the airport and we left in a flurry and a rush to look for food i having forgot to tell em bring a burrito to the airport and on the crazy fancy huge parking lot mini metro thing cheets slipped a super sleek flip phone into my pocket and i was like what? is this mine?

and we finally piled into two cars and headed for breakfast, out into the brilliant white light of i cant even imagine what happens next but for the moment all i could think was im home.

la ultima noche

a strange configuration of events has brought me to this blog.

an email from j that said hes so glad im coming home even if it means i have to leave my beloved Chile. i almost laughed, i have been a homesick complainer for months now. then i realized he was right. i do have to leave my beloved Chile. I loved this place before i came,from Ariel Dorfmans and Isabel Allendes descriptions and stories about sal poetry of Parra Neruda and Mistral and certainly that dim conception i had was nothing really on what i found here. i loved it just the same.

a second email from Cait said maybe things would seem different in retrospect. that perhaps the feeling of being an alien would fade...that i would find id already located what i came to find. or something like that. as usual she was right..

despite the flurry of preparation weighing of books writing of final papers i found that the dim light turned a deeper gold in the afternoon, that the lovely honey colored dark eyes of a truly lovely people gleamed at me from the dim wintry light..that the little rosy faces of cherubic exquisitely beautiful babies, the lined and wrinkled faces of viejitos the gleamy rosy cheeked men the girls with thick coarse ponytails like a horses mane hanging down the little muppety punked out schoolkids, all became more lovely as i mentally prepared to leave.

that despite all my bitching i fucking loved this place from the very moment my eyes tried to take in the immensity of cordillera fencing me in..

ayer un hombre entro en la micro cantando y tocando guitarra stomping his feet and laughing while people clapped in tune y casi me puso llorar porque nadie canta en los buses en mi cuidad..

and so here at long last is the list of things i will miss.

la gente. que verdaderamente es bellisima. la manera en que habla. castellano con tonos como cancion. the absurdity that is chilean spanish. porque yo me aprendi a hablar aqui. hay algo en el tono de voz que usa especificamente aqui. algo que siempre me suena, me acostumbro a eso y ahora lo voy a extrañar.

las guaguitas bellas

los viejitos

the colors of houses and shops and schools in turquiose and yellow and green ...
being swallowed by an immense sky framed by the mountains..
the golden late afternoon light.
the faces of the people here, that element like a common thread of similarity in dark eyes and dark hair and slight slant to the almond eyes.
the way they speak
the way they dress
when old women call me hija
when men open doors
kissing on the cheek
my house
my girls
nacho1
alicia ash lesh monkey cait rhea thania and leo robert and the other leo..
el frickin turbo, claudio, mono, daniella daniella and the other daniella. the hot bros and thier superadorable dad don pedro. little ridic big ridic, turbos dog, my puto gringo roomate, my adorable brasilero leo. the program kids. letras. the big statue of batman. my adorable teachers, natalia and cristian especially..nacho2 augustin daniel and the other daniel
pisco sour
leche asada
galletas
the way the trees arch into the sky
the city streets at night all splashes of red brakelights
chilean pants
chilean boots
chilean slang
chile.
i miss you already. thank you for letting me come and being so patient with my slow clumsy tongue and teaching me to listen and read and to speak.

a year is a long long time.
and not very much time at all.