just when you thought the drama was done...
soooo...where to begin where to begin.
last night.
k.
ima start there...went out dancing with ashley and this guy shes been seeing, same one who saw me kiss her and got a little freaked out..so we dancin right...but its like a fuckin madhouse up in there all these not even cute guys are hella jockin i just wanna dance chica wanna get all flirty whatev.
she dances with her boy while i try to avoid his moronic friend who is literally pursuing me as i try to ditch him and gettin in the faces of any other dude who tries to dance with me...
fucked up with a capital fu
so i ditch homeskippy ash finds me and we find the corner where a group of kids are apparently there to dance what a fuckin concept right?
theres this one cute chick who approaches me and says that we should come dance with em cause they a big group of kids just tryin a have fun
so its cool they playin ridiculous 80s new wave stuff chica and i are goofin around like being flirty with each other when homeboy the dude comes up and is like i gotta talk..im all oh man...here we go with the drama
hes a good guy. i like him, i really do...but i dont think he can deal with ash...i dont think i would be able to if she was my girl, she a handful thats all...
so they talk and come back and hes like ok bye and im all what yer leaving? and then im like dude, seriously, i was drunk that night, let it go, if thats what this is about...
he leaves
we leave too cause fuck this shit anyway dudes trying to slip phone numbers to us and literally blockin the mofuckin way to the bathroom...
we not happy campers.
so we leave and hes sitting at a table right outside with a bunch of girls, ash is pissed, i feel terrible like its partly my fault, so then he catches up with us and is like, hey actually let me take you guys home...ash is pissed so shes says no we´ll walk and its not far anyway we start to but then he calls her and then finds us and gives me a ride to my place, im like aight yall gots to talk i guess catch you later and chick is like yeah ima do what i gotta you do likewise...
and im thinkin about this and about these chilean dudes who cant seem to come close even to dealing with some admittedly handful type chicks like us and about the kid who wont read my poems even though he reads the blog cause its too intense and i decide there is no time like the present for some drunken 5am at yer door kinda drama...first of all cause its the best kind and also cause see if i wan´t drunk ida talk myself out of it...so i head for the kids...
cause i saw him last week and it was fine but then this whole week was hell on training wheels waiting for him to call or email and wondering why he didnt...so i ring and hes awake and hes like what yer downstairs and im like yeah i can hardly believe it myself
so hes like ok, and comes down cause he says some friends are upstair, so he comes down and hes like whats goin on? and im like, i need this to stop.
hes like what this? and im like all of it, the walks, the way i cant concentrate in class this fuckin halfass attempt to rethink everything and not feel how i feel which is fucked up like you do when you love someone who doesnt love you back... cause i do, and you dont...and its obvious..
so then hes like but i care about you and i want you to be my friend and i tell him where he can stuff that crock of shit..
hes like what do you want me to do ra? im like i think cause im drunk and angry and hurt its a perfect time to just fuck this shit up, we already tried to repair it and that didnt work so i think its time to tear it apart.
i ask him to tell me that he doesnt care about me and hes like but i do and im like you dont get it kid i dont want that bullshit nice to you wanna be yer friend...
im tryin to piss him off...
kinda hard even drunk at 5am hes a nice kid, im like, this is some freaky behavior this doesnt freak you out? hes like well yeah but...im like so tell me to fuck off, tell me im complicating yer whole perfect fuckin life tell me you dont love me tell me to leave and i will and thats it this whole mess is fuckin finally done..
hes upset at this point and hes like if i say that will it help and im like yeah so he goes, please fuck off...
im like yeah that doesnt count what do i have to do to piss you off?
i have basically explained that i am there to destroy whatever pathetic remnants of us that remains because i cant deal with it anymore...the haunting, plus the pretense at logic...playing like i dont feel this way when i do, when im still takin long ass walks every night to end up in our park where he never is
he wants to know if i just want to be able to blame him and im like yeah thatd be great whatever it takes so i can stop waiting for someone who never fuckin shows up..
its just stupid arguments at this point so i try to kiss him and he wont let me hes like dont do that..
im a sly and cunning drunk so i figure fuck, why not try it again...and he is like listen to me well, i dont want to kiss you, im in love with my girlfriend....
oh sweet relief
hurts like hell but jesus finally i can just let er rip. actually silences my dumb ass.
when i can talk again im like wow thats so much more effective than fuck off...hes upset, im upset..its a mess...
hes like so what you dont wanna see me or even be my friend or anything and im like yeah thats pretty much it, cause it hurts and i dont like it, and we werent friends anyway we were some other fuckin thing and this attempt to be something were not it cramps the poetry puts it in a box too small and i cant live with being cared about, not when i love you, despite all of it...
no matter what sensible crap i try to tell myself, this is the only way to stop it.
so theres some more angry bitterness at one point he like slams his fist onto the table in front of us...you all know the scene...you think three weeks ago on the bridge would have done it but really, no...not exactly...
this needs to be a fuckin clearcut i cant stand to leave anything and that fuckin weak ass sapling of lets hang out sometime that i dont want to hurt you motherfuckin bullshit is what i can no longer take so i sit with him for a minute and we just feel some of that shit
...and then we hug for a minute and i ruffle his hair and we say goodbye cause we tired and fucked up and i turn around in the doorway and whisper ciao
and thats it
im sobbing as i head for the gate of the complex and this guy stops to ask if im ok and im like si..si, estoy bien..and i walk my drunk ass home.
last night.
k.
ima start there...went out dancing with ashley and this guy shes been seeing, same one who saw me kiss her and got a little freaked out..so we dancin right...but its like a fuckin madhouse up in there all these not even cute guys are hella jockin i just wanna dance chica wanna get all flirty whatev.
she dances with her boy while i try to avoid his moronic friend who is literally pursuing me as i try to ditch him and gettin in the faces of any other dude who tries to dance with me...
fucked up with a capital fu
so i ditch homeskippy ash finds me and we find the corner where a group of kids are apparently there to dance what a fuckin concept right?
theres this one cute chick who approaches me and says that we should come dance with em cause they a big group of kids just tryin a have fun
so its cool they playin ridiculous 80s new wave stuff chica and i are goofin around like being flirty with each other when homeboy the dude comes up and is like i gotta talk..im all oh man...here we go with the drama
hes a good guy. i like him, i really do...but i dont think he can deal with ash...i dont think i would be able to if she was my girl, she a handful thats all...
so they talk and come back and hes like ok bye and im all what yer leaving? and then im like dude, seriously, i was drunk that night, let it go, if thats what this is about...
he leaves
we leave too cause fuck this shit anyway dudes trying to slip phone numbers to us and literally blockin the mofuckin way to the bathroom...
we not happy campers.
so we leave and hes sitting at a table right outside with a bunch of girls, ash is pissed, i feel terrible like its partly my fault, so then he catches up with us and is like, hey actually let me take you guys home...ash is pissed so shes says no we´ll walk and its not far anyway we start to but then he calls her and then finds us and gives me a ride to my place, im like aight yall gots to talk i guess catch you later and chick is like yeah ima do what i gotta you do likewise...
and im thinkin about this and about these chilean dudes who cant seem to come close even to dealing with some admittedly handful type chicks like us and about the kid who wont read my poems even though he reads the blog cause its too intense and i decide there is no time like the present for some drunken 5am at yer door kinda drama...first of all cause its the best kind and also cause see if i wan´t drunk ida talk myself out of it...so i head for the kids...
cause i saw him last week and it was fine but then this whole week was hell on training wheels waiting for him to call or email and wondering why he didnt...so i ring and hes awake and hes like what yer downstairs and im like yeah i can hardly believe it myself
so hes like ok, and comes down cause he says some friends are upstair, so he comes down and hes like whats goin on? and im like, i need this to stop.
hes like what this? and im like all of it, the walks, the way i cant concentrate in class this fuckin halfass attempt to rethink everything and not feel how i feel which is fucked up like you do when you love someone who doesnt love you back... cause i do, and you dont...and its obvious..
so then hes like but i care about you and i want you to be my friend and i tell him where he can stuff that crock of shit..
hes like what do you want me to do ra? im like i think cause im drunk and angry and hurt its a perfect time to just fuck this shit up, we already tried to repair it and that didnt work so i think its time to tear it apart.
i ask him to tell me that he doesnt care about me and hes like but i do and im like you dont get it kid i dont want that bullshit nice to you wanna be yer friend...
im tryin to piss him off...
kinda hard even drunk at 5am hes a nice kid, im like, this is some freaky behavior this doesnt freak you out? hes like well yeah but...im like so tell me to fuck off, tell me im complicating yer whole perfect fuckin life tell me you dont love me tell me to leave and i will and thats it this whole mess is fuckin finally done..
hes upset at this point and hes like if i say that will it help and im like yeah so he goes, please fuck off...
im like yeah that doesnt count what do i have to do to piss you off?
i have basically explained that i am there to destroy whatever pathetic remnants of us that remains because i cant deal with it anymore...the haunting, plus the pretense at logic...playing like i dont feel this way when i do, when im still takin long ass walks every night to end up in our park where he never is
he wants to know if i just want to be able to blame him and im like yeah thatd be great whatever it takes so i can stop waiting for someone who never fuckin shows up..
its just stupid arguments at this point so i try to kiss him and he wont let me hes like dont do that..
im a sly and cunning drunk so i figure fuck, why not try it again...and he is like listen to me well, i dont want to kiss you, im in love with my girlfriend....
oh sweet relief
hurts like hell but jesus finally i can just let er rip. actually silences my dumb ass.
when i can talk again im like wow thats so much more effective than fuck off...hes upset, im upset..its a mess...
hes like so what you dont wanna see me or even be my friend or anything and im like yeah thats pretty much it, cause it hurts and i dont like it, and we werent friends anyway we were some other fuckin thing and this attempt to be something were not it cramps the poetry puts it in a box too small and i cant live with being cared about, not when i love you, despite all of it...
no matter what sensible crap i try to tell myself, this is the only way to stop it.
so theres some more angry bitterness at one point he like slams his fist onto the table in front of us...you all know the scene...you think three weeks ago on the bridge would have done it but really, no...not exactly...
this needs to be a fuckin clearcut i cant stand to leave anything and that fuckin weak ass sapling of lets hang out sometime that i dont want to hurt you motherfuckin bullshit is what i can no longer take so i sit with him for a minute and we just feel some of that shit
...and then we hug for a minute and i ruffle his hair and we say goodbye cause we tired and fucked up and i turn around in the doorway and whisper ciao
and thats it
im sobbing as i head for the gate of the complex and this guy stops to ask if im ok and im like si..si, estoy bien..and i walk my drunk ass home.
posted by Rachel R. @ 11:33 AM
4 Comments:
At 3:49 PM,
Jeff Pollet said…
This is a little bit of a tangent, but I'm going to say it anyway:
What's the deal with people (including me) being able to be lovers without being friends? My whole life I've always sort of preached the idea that freindship is integral to any romance, and I go alone really believing that and then...sometimes when things end the truth shows through, and I find that friendship might be a component of love/lust/romance/etc., but that it very well may not be.
Then again, I always sorta knew that I didn't really understand what romance/love/lust/etc. amounted to--but I thought I had a pretty good hold on friendship; now I'm just realizing that none of it really makes much sense to me. I turn lovers into friends, friends into lovers, acquaintences into crushes, crushes into friends, friends into crushes and freakin' everything in between.
All of which is to say that:
"...and we werent friends anyway we were some other fuckin thing and this attempt to be something were not it cramps the poetry puts it in a box too small..." --it resonates with me.
----------------------------
And one more thing, while I'm being all confused on YOUR blog: What is with the human heart that it can still want to reach out to those people who don't 'get' us to the point that they don't want to deal with the parts of us that are too 'intense'? Hmmm? My ex told me that it was too intense being friends with me, and I get that--but what is it in ME that makes me still want her, still wants the person who just doesn't appreciate the intensity? Makes. No. Sense. Bleh.
At 4:03 AM,
papamamba said…
if the love or the lust is intense then the friendship is pale in comparison. it lacks depth. there's too much memory. friendship is based on something, be it love or lust or common interests, if that is taken away then what is there to talk about?
but cool that you confront it, get it out, deal with it, put some finality...
At 9:31 AM,
Rachel R. said…
finality indeed
finally finally finally...
and i dont get it either, i kept saying but arent we basically friends...i mean talking for hours and hanging out and loving the brilliance and silliness of this other person
isnt that just the friend part and somehow able to be extracted from the re part and this is another thing cause it never even made it to re actual anything...
but jeff i do always say this after breakup, but they werent just my partner, sino best friend..
and its true, but its not bc you cant extract that best friend part from the love lust belonging feels like home your body my pillow...
or sometimes it seems you can..
i speak here of kermel and jen shining example of still family still friends still love each other exactly as they are...
for a while i thought the problem was me and i couldnt manage to maintain friendship with exes and someone once said to me why would you want to, better to remember how it was...
think its diff in different cases..
but still dont know how to tell the dif between..
hoping like hell that when i come back and face j if there has to be an actual not together thing that we can pull some amazing kermel cheets magic..cause that kid is fuckin fam..
but so have others been and then bc something so other that no longer do they even re to me...
dont know...
just tryin shit and hopin it works...leavin theory to poetry and action to takin leap following gut instinct...
i mean really. at 28. drunken drama 5am. sure long ago i dint know better, but this time i did. and i chose to do it anyway cause it was the only way to either change his mind or blow it all to fuckin smithereens...
At 9:02 AM,
Jennifer said…
seems like ash's dude has no kinda clue what hit him. it's kind of humorous to read about, but i get that it's probably just really irritating for all involved including him.
so, i am glad you came with it on the drama story, i was wondering what that last one was about, though i think i did guess correctly. (yay me? sorry)
i think this was a pretty extreme decision you made, and i agree with it. escpecially because of how well i know you, i think you did the right thing. somtimes shit has to get really bad before it can get better, like that blasted sliver under yo' epidermis.
thanks for the shout re: me and kerm. dunno how the hell that all worked out, but it goes to show that it isn't a total lost cause to try, if you really want to. it's kind of a shot in the dark though, and let it be noted that me and he aren't exaclty *close* but when we do get together it is comforting and good and, just, well, family. and we can stand to hear about one another's love lives without cringing. it's pretty great :) you robbinses are my shit.
ps: major cool points for the barone-y reference...
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