a not so very proud pride

so i got back into town just in time for pride weekend. youd think that, living in the castro id be all over that shit. I just wasnt feeling so up to party though...planned on heading over to dykemarch but it was so cold and i kept wasting time sitting around reading, actually thats about all j and i felt like doing all weekend. we did manage to do our laundry downstairs and thus saw a parade of dykes skip by on market street. this got us sufficiently energized to head out into pink party for like ten minutes. it was crowded and some chicks were naked. we drank a cider and refused to dance to that stupid usher song that the youth i work with listen to. my little pink outfit showed some pride and got my ass laid that night...then the next day mis padres were in town and we were planning on taking them to the parade. they called at 8am to say they were on the way and should be here by 11. i went back to sleep until 10:30 then i went shopping and got some extra syrup, j and i did a whiz cleanup and i started cooking up a pile a pancakes. theres a lot of them..and except me and kermit they all huge...hell if it wasnt for my 4yr old nephew id literally be the smallest in the fam. not really fair considering that im practically the oldest as number two of 6 kids and my older sister was in foster care or group homes or jail most of the time...leaving me as the nominal authority in her absence..anyway so like noon my brother calls me and says they are running late but they just checked in and are headed to his place. its like one when he calls back and says they have arrived and about to hit transit to my pad. half an hour later he calls to tell my they stopped for coffee first. with all that breakfast wasnt served till two, we missed the parade altogether, and as usual in the prescence of my large loud white trash familia i found myself feeling somewhat remote and strange,very much akin to being on lsd. i decided it was probably that esspresso milkshake i had, plus my family makes me crazy..this goes without saying. it wasnt bad though really. we did a barbeque at kermits place and if theres one thing my big old fam digs its sitting around eating and shooting the shit...a few friends stopped by out of curiosity or empathy or some combo thereof. i always appreciate that (thanks cheets ;) its a chance for me to see them from outside of myself. i can let comments about how getting spanked never hurt me slide by with a mumbled "years of therapy", and appreciate what a great storyteller that papa r is...not to mention that from a little distance they are all pretty cute, even my sister with the missing front teeth (i WISH i was kidding) they all kinda look alike, heavy with my dads beaky nose, even kermit got the nose..they resemble nothing so much as cute little lawn gnomes from afar. my mama the born again wiccan in her handmade hemp jewelry and tie die with the crazy bleached blond curls, my dad in omnipresent cowboy hats and maybe little braids in his thinnning hair and long tangled beard..my sisters who are enormous, litterally tower over me in all directions, seen together its kinda cute how much they look alike and my little nephew, kermit and i call him chachi..well hes a doll. looks like emily and kate did when they were small, all blond with great big eyes.. sometimes i feel really overwhelmed by them all. they are all so loud and with the touching and hugging...im not so crazy about all of that, makes me feel like im getting drowned out and squished simultaneously. and how loud they are in public, swapping stories with the bus driver and making not so funny jokes..it makes me squirm...i was alway pathalogically shy beneath a feigned exterior of outgoing...people who think im loud and talk fast just havent met my fam..but i liked seeing them. as much as its difficult and brings these crazy fucked up memories back..i see my little nephews dirty face and unmatched socks and i remember being that child who from all appearances nobody really cared about. but when i watch them i know that isnt true. the fam is really very loving, they just show it a little..differently shall we say. a friend pointed out how much they all obviously enjoy each others company.. ah. they sure do put the fun back in disfunctional.

kickin it at the chaminade

ok so let me just explain exactly what im doing here in Santa Cruz, my ass getting paid to hang out in a fancy hotel with hiking trails and a pool outside of Santa Cruz and kick it with four slightly odd, very smart, giggly and bookish 13yr old girls...its like a four day slumber party. im stoked. we got here yesterday but were all too sleepy to deal with the trip to the boardwalk. so really today feels like our first day. we got some greasy fried food and giant sodas on the boardwalk then i made myself scarce looking for a bookstore while the girls rode the tummy tossing rides..had a nice walk into the downtown area and while still searching for bookstore i found myself beckoned by the shiny glint of sparkly sandal shoes. now i know that i was unable to tell the tale of the terrible poncho or the preceding tale of the godawful neverending paper or about how sleep deprived and fuckedup like death warmed over i felt as i stumbled drunkenly toward the cheetah birthday party that i couldnt possibly miss, even though i puked up the red wine i had drunk to get into the spirit into the gutter on the way, and had to stop to buy pepto, and had only just finished yet another edit on the insanely neverending paper, and still had to get up at 8am the next day to turn that fucker in... when i walked in to the beauty bar feeling not so very beauteous..and promply complimented some girl cheets works with on her sparkly shoes and asked where she got them.. to which this bitch tossed her thick hair and said oh i have lots, from different places, i got some of them in India. so im thinking note to self, do not speak to snotty chick again. anyway that was the poncho horror night which i will not go into detail about...so heres the point of my digression....here i am in santa cruz kid free and kickin up my heels so to speak..i mean the weather is warm and im wearing a saucy tank and shorts and my ass look real good in these. i literally had to beat dudes back up off of me,saying thanks but i got a man and, yeah im having a good time just walking on my own thanks though and nice to meet you and whatever.. when i happen upon a darling shoe boutique chock full of sparkly slippers....and did i mention yet CHEAP????? i mean relative to san fran of course and in that case nearly everyting is...so im just wide eyed and dazzled looking around at green, pink, purple, gold,black, some with full back, some no back, soft faux suede, and strangely braided strawlike soles....sparkly slippers, flats, flip flops, espadrilles, and heels....i wander for a bit and then find myself drawn to a pair of backless slip ons with tiny heels, in a pale, pale bronze with soft suede inserts and notice to my delight that they are:
1. my size
2. marked 50% off
3. the very last pair.
so there
and fuck you mean hair flipping scene makin trash talkin on the street interrogating folks you dont even know and were already mean to the night before about why they wearing the stupid poncho you gave somebody else, my sparkly shoes are soooooooooooooo much cuter than yours!!!! it was indeed a beautiful day.

give me a capoerista over a prima ballerina any day....

so i tagged along with a photog friend to help set up for a shoot in what i thought was going to be a pilates studio...so first we get a little bit lost and our directions left a little something to be desired but we managed to get to the right place..it was actually a ballet & pilates studio in Los Gatos. So we walk in to find a surprisingly large amount of pre teen girls in back leotards applying mascara and straitening thier hair. As we unload equipment and set up this crowd gets bigger and bigger until there are like a gazillion ballerinas ranging in age from 5 to 20, plus one rather crabby large woman who is literally calling the shots. All the girls are in identical black leotards pink tights with gobs of lip gloss and mascara...then they start filing in in costumes, in litte groups of three with identical fluffy tutus with fluffy undies attached. I am utterly fascinated, never seen anything like it in my life. I also feel a little strange and out of place. All of the older girls are extemely thin and tall, and im starting to feel like a gnome. a small dumpy garden gnome. So when we finally have all the lights and backdrop the big mean lady starts directing trios of girls in costumes dripping with sequins and fake flowers, all with these tiny matching hats bobby pinned to thier hair into these (redundant, but true) really posed poses, heavy on the arms outspread and big cheesy smiles. After this another ballerina takes the spotlight and starts executing these crazy leaps and stuff in this flowy blue and purple gauzy juliet number...they put a fan on her to increase the whole flowy gauzy whatever the hell is happening while the big lady yells encouragement like shoulders down and attitude and point your toes...this whole time there is also this tiny adorable white dog running around and being generally too cute to be believed. im thinking its a good thing were taking pictured because nobody would believe this without em. at this point the teeny tiny ballerinas have somehow multiplied to like a dozen and as they start adding the tiny itty bitty ballerinas to this mix the combination of sleep deprivation and lots of coffee leaves me feeling like maybe im seeing double..the cute factor is way out of control as a tiny ballerina gazes adoringly up at the prima ballerina in her sequined stiff sparkly pink outfit..she looks like a wedding cake or something and the bitchy teacher keeps telling everyone to smile smile smile...the little one reaches out to touch the fascinating sparkle of the tutu and the little dog, zora, bounds into the picture....its almost too much for me...im a little out of it and caffiene buzz fading when the crew of ballerinas begins to diminish. after several synchronized at the bar lined up smallest to tallest shots of footwork i cant pronounce the place is nearly empty of ballerinas...and there has been a run for burritos. just as im starting to feel almost normal in come the second half of the shoot...the pilates teachers. four woman, all of them crazy tall,beautiful, and in amazing shape arrive and introduce themselves and for the rest of the afternoon i just watch in awe as they perform insane feats of physical prowess and flexibility...im too tired to do more than wonder if there is something in the water out here in los gatos, which woman i am most in love with between the professional dancer who can do a handstand on an oversized pilates ball or the tall tall long and lovely brunette. still feel like a garden gnome, but a sleepy happy one....as i think to myself maybe i oughta try some new flavors, like vanilla.....

well once again its been a while

see at first it was madness, the last two weeks of school and all my teachers wanted papers from me. i mean some serious insanity. then it was this final project at work and then a final final final paper that i co-authored with another student. also insanity. first who ever heard of anything like that and second, well the paper the thing itself. it was nuts. i went a little nuts trying to write it. not to mention formatting and printing and cutting and pasting and copying in order to achieve a paper in the form of talmud in response to a novel in the form of talmud and having literally 20 outside sources to make sense of the damn thing. then it was cheets birthday and the poncho drama and planning for this big party thing and starting to pack....anyway...now im just sort of puttering around a lot. leaving in a month, trying to do some work but not getting a whole lot right now....and finding that after all that madness of just wanting a minute free and now i have literally weeks and have no idea what to do...too much freedom is just fuckin oppressive sometimes. like today i got stuck in the bathroom fucking with my hair for like an hour. called a friend and when they told me it was almost 5 i was completely struck dumb. i had gotten groceries and eaten cheerios. and that was it. its getting a little annoying to tell you the truth. and its not like i have nothing to do its that its all so unstructured that i hardly know what to do first...oh well...