ohmyfuckingodItotallyforguckingottomention!!!!

ok
just quick here, guess who im going out for beer with this weekend?
you get three guesses and the first two dont count
WRONG!!!
la preciosa misma
la profesora adorable
la Natalia

hee hee hee

fuckin pedro

sooooooooooooo once again i am fuckin fuckin tired and seriously fucked up cause i stayed up waaaaaaay too late reading pedro páramo...which i got ahold of last week but didnt have time to read cause i was busy rereading rayuela and studying for other classessss...so how it went down was like, all this time up in my narrativa class i been like damn what the hell went down in pedro en español cause i got that part about kickin it in comala but otherwise my ass lost and in need of a fuckin translation cause what am i nuts i cant read fuckin novels in spanish...maybe if thats all i had to do...so along with the rest of the gringa contingent in that class my ass been pediring translations and waiting for the mail..ok so anyway i got through that and rayuela (puleeese ima read that shit in spanish? who am i kidding?)but then this other novel never came through so we had this in class essay business today where im tired as fuck can barely think in frickin engles and haveto write two short essays on rayuela thank god ive read it twice cause the first time it flew right over my head...and good ole pedro which was aight...but the question about el astillero, the book i never read in any language...well i just made some shit up..i was like, um yeah it was really cold and the exterior world was an allegory for the interior world and uh homeboy was uh, condemned...yeah, and it was really cold....
so that sucked...
ok
drama update for the peeps on the edge of they seats...
its not so bad anymore..
i think for all of us involved there are just so many different factors, like for me there is of course the adorable kid who i really do love,he is just so gotdam funny and smart..
i mean, hes my favorite person in this country and someone i really connect with...
but theres also all this stuff about missing j and my people and being alone and feeling alone and everyone stares at me but nobody touches me all mixed up in it..
and then, i tend to get dramatic...
saw the kid i think tues night when we both happened to be taking a walk in the park at midnight, and it was cool...theres also this stuff about being rejected, i mean, nobody likes that, it pretty much just sucks...so whatever it isnt such a huge deal i think we can just kick it, hes soooo adorable, its hard to decide wether to tuck him in with a teddy or hold him down and fuck him hard...im tryin to lean toward the former since the latter is not a possibility...
but whatevs its cool...
the sucky thing is that as that drama wanes i can only credit jeremias with this chasm that opens up in my chest sometimes, like when im way too tired and my caffienne wears off..
yall know i am some melodramatic overemotional bitch but the fact is that here everything is exagerrated somehow. like if a clerk is mean to me at home i might wanna cry for a sec, here i just completely will...i walk around all the time trying not to be an imperialist yankee dork...and often fail miserably...
gotta say i really appreciate my housemates right now too, maca and lesha are really great girls who are down to talk about all this shit, sometimes in spanish sometimes not...its funny how when you are really up in something you pretty much gotta do it in yer own language...
and i dont just mean that its easier to explain things or that my spanish sucks, its the same with people who speak really well, like when its really some intense shit maca switches to spanish, like she feels in español if you catchai...
anyhoo
its finally friday gracias a dios and if i can make it through yoga with diaper pants man ima take a fuckin nap and then im going out dancing
wooooooooooo
with my roomies and some other kids, hitting a reggae club cause lesha really wants to go there so even though i wd prefer salsa or even reggetón i just wanna dance, have these fuckin cute new pants that i got like a 2weeks ago that look hella good and they beggin to go out dancin...
plus, lemme just say, reggae aint my favorite thing in the world but i love me some dready boys, pickins are pretty slim around here i think bc there is no black population,
i mean literally i have seen less than a dozen black people since i got here and its one of the things i really miss about the states which i consider a country heavily influenced by its black population, i mean diversity in general i miss...
there are small communities of korean, chinese, and israeli people here, plus some peruanos and then everybody chilean...
i mean..that includes some diversity in itself since there tends to be marked divides between people with more euro and people with more indigenous roots but basically everbody mixed to some degree...
anyway im saying that i think thats the reason that although they plenty of chilean dreads, the majority are some nasty dooky shit dreads... no me gusta...
i dunno if its just like, that aint the best type of hair to dread, although ive seen lovely dreads on philipinos y indian people...but they did tend to be people with slightly curlier thicker hair...
or if its like, these bitches aint seen some good dreads...
or they aint none of those salons that work it out for you...although you all know that personally i wouldnt hit a frickin salon to work out my shit, its kinda nuts...i think my hair is kinda like a chia pet and its important that i do it myself...ok
sleeeeeeeeepy
tengo sueñooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
point. i had one. oh yeah. dready boys...they bound to be better dreads and plenty of em up in some reggae establishment yes?
k
tired
ciao

bilz and pap and danky crack

..soda my man, one is i think yellow and the other red i believe..bilz and pap that is...kinds of soda..but what had my ass rollin in the aisles was an ad for an ice cream bar, a nestle product mind you, called danky crack..as in come and getcher danky crack..you know you wantsome danky crack.
k
i think yall get it.
why do i torment myself like this? i am an asshole...no, i am THE asshole, like of the fuckin world...
chinga tu madre Rachel of yesterday who didnt finish the goddam mothafuckin ensayos fuckyoutoo Rachel of last weekend who studied not even hardly anything at all and instead had a bunch of friggin drama
what in the hells yer problem Rachel of last night who went to bed at like 3am?
...i am my own worst enemy...
every time i swear i am not going to do this thing where i wait until the last concievable minute to begin writing a paper, missing classes and sleep to finish the damn things, knowing that cause i can in fact pull a decent paper right oughta my ass (yeah even in spanish, i dunno go fuckin figure) i will sacar a decent grade but if i had begun earlier i coulda saved myself a lot of pain, prolly gotten a better grade, not end up skipping class yet again in order to sleep...
i swear to god if i survive this day, i will become a better student, a better woman, a better human!!!!
i will help little old ladies across the street, i will rescue people from burning buildings!!! i will do the dishes once in a while!!! i will suck my profs dick!! ok just kidding abt that part that teacher is a chick..i will go to bed on time, i wont eat so many cookies...i will not covet chicos/as already belonging to someone else
((even if they should choose to let me know of the interesting factoid of possible other a little on the kinda late side bythefuckinway side...uh yeah that little comment was aimed at Westefer, i know yer gettin a lotta shit but seriously, you cant just walz into bitches blogs and start talkin smack sweetheart...did you or did you not see all the pink? its like my fuckin motto, i live by this concept, just cause its cute and little and pink with tiny hearts embroidered all over the goddam place, like me, adorable and slightly undersize, that does not in any way mean i cant kick yer ass!!!! this is MY WORLD mi mundo fuckin propio y singular creado mantenido por y para mí mismo so dont even tryta fuckin front...))
ahem
as i was saying
i will study when im sposed to i will start my papers sooner eat more vegetables try to speak more spanish i wont say things all gringoficado just to amuse myself, except maybe just one more time. tobalaba.
hoo thats funny
yeah. guess you had to be there, i say it all gringofied cause this time when i just got here this crazy whore gave me shitty directions to a resteraunt where my bouts to get my fuckin period self (i do not know what the odds are but so far here in chile i am setting world records in that dept as far as wrong time wrong place wrong mothafuckin panties...)wearing gotdam mothafuckin white panties was sposeta get a free lunch of "typical chilean food"
¿¿¿do you know btw what that consists of if yer name shd happen to be me???

ensafuckinlada baby. ensafuckinlada

...and they make good salad here but they tend to leave off the leafy green, usually considered the main part of salad, and then they put some wacky shit up in there like im talking corn, sometimes strange pickled veggies, maybe even beets...
...its cool i mean lotta tomate y palta y limón and you cant go wrong but seriously when you been promised some typical food and you get yet another gotdam ensalada you start to wonder why you bothered getting outta bed at all
...oh yeah so i was on the bus all like Damn! ¿where my tobalaba at?
yeah
guess you had to be there.

i came for the drama

actually no.
so sunday pretty much sucked ass...
timing timing timing...
its odd cause its like when i could hear j on the phone, it made sense what he was saying, like hitting yourself in the head with an artichoke which they do here its like when you realize something that you knew already but didnt know you knew...and its more like...
me peguè un alcachofazo..
i think...anyway the point is that i was like oh right you completely cant have a relationship with someone who is in a whole nother country that totally doesnt even make any kind of sense...
so it made sense but it felt like hell...
so i walked around all day with loud sad angry sad loud loud loud music on...every time i came home i had to just turn around and go back out...
kept hitting the same fuckin park over and over...
listening to counting crows...
i was a mess...
and i looked like hell too..this was so far beyond blank gringa face this was like the double whammy just got left twice alone with no sex and the city no cheets and vic no ben and jerrys just me and the streets
and i couldnt fuckin take it
it was just off the goddam charts
i had banked on breaking through this thing with the kid, you know like bashing your head into a wall, it hurts at first and then it fuckin stops...
stopping is good
but adding this thing with j on top of that was too much...so i emailed him cause i couldnt call cause i had already deleted numbers from phone
...thats right i have no impulse control...
so the whole fucking day im walking sometimes running blank broken hearted gringa face feeling physically ill like there is this pain in my chest and it feels like an empty space opened up inside me and i am collapsing inward which increases when i lessen physical distance, like walking up his street...
and its all mixed up together, j and this and missing my peeps...it pretty much sucked.
so i finally go back to the park, having all day resisted just walking up to his door cause i promised myself i wouldnt and i thought maybe this was for the best and of course there he is and suddenly im ok.
not great, or bursting with joy. but im fine.
so im all..
where the hell have you been ive been through this fuckin place like seven times today...
and hes like man i been here for over an hour where the hell were you..
i walked in the opposite direction as far as i could and still ended up on your street...and it was a beautiful day with all these fuckin happy children playing and he says yeah i almost ran over a few on my bike..and i went up your street too...so at this point we too tired to figure out what everyone is sposed to do. he says hes sorry about the stuff with j.
i say me too.
si estas leyendo jeramias te amo mucho y para siempre porque eres parte mejor de yo y espero mas que nada que pueda encontrarte otra vez con pies que quieren quedar...

wells thith ith jutht great

my thtinking eth ith thticking on thith thtupid keyboard and i realized right on time to pretty much fuck up my own life completely that i have therioth feelingth for thith guy here, you know..
the one i told to go back to hith girl and he did and now i cant thee him cauthe it hurt but i mith him tho much cauthe thith wath my betht friend here and we already spent the day crying yethterdays and agreed that we thoudnt thee each other for a while.
and i cant fuckin deal.
like maybe if j hadnt also called to break up with me today...
so its all rathesr oh now i gest an s and thesy just wont stop comin...its all rather comical i think.
yesterday confessssssssssed my love for homeboy who has just returned to gf...
big fuckin messssss. hes all confused and has no idea what to do so we cried a bunch...
then we went to gay pride chile cause sposed to meet peeps and couldnt cry anymore...
and it was lovely. walked right into a crowd of dykes and i just started beaming...it was like, ok cool they are here i just dont see em most of the time...

then a bunch of chilean trannys appeared and i wanted to cry with joy reminded me of home so much...so we marched and had a great time and then nacho and i went home but stopped to get sad again in the metro fuckin hurt dont know why so much +
...and then decided to get an ice cream on the way home cause why not and smoked last newport after that and then had to say goodbye for who knows how long right cause there are all these wonderful reasons why i cant love this kid so now i just need to fucking convince myself that i dont...
and i need space to do it, unlucky for me he lives three blocks away...and then today j called and said we cant be in a re from this far even if we kid ourselves that its an open whatev..
so i have officially been dumped twice in two days, have two papers due and a huge test next week and cant fuckin think about anything cant read cant eat...
fucked up bigtime here in good ole santiago...
oh man.....and now this crap with the fuckin s

sorry tanto silencio...

hey ýall..sorry so much silence..
i got a little..distracted you know???
all involved with some chilean which i gotta say really does work wonders for my spanish...thats the kinda motivation i need, say something right i get a kiss...why didnt somebody think of that before? i mean maybe not the teacher i have now, yeah that wouldnt work...but say profesora preciosa...nah
...anyway this was a boy fling thing of some sort and i didnt want to put up deets cause j always be reading this and i dunno...i dont think id wanna see deets on any j and girl fling things...but its pretty much over, i have devolvered that adorable fucker to the girl he was dating who couldnt deal with the complications..i mean the whole time i was like hey i aint tryin to steal nobodys man...maybe just borrow for a little while? anyway i have returned him to rightful owner pretty much good as new, maybe a few scratches or dents...
and its cool cause i really dig the kid and wanna like kick it and be friends which i think should work out fine seeing as how it want ever any kind of serious thing
....man...jeez.
well at least now i can get my homework done. so i realized that i have done you all a terrible disservice and have told you nothing of the helado aqui.
jesus mary and joseph that shit is fuckin good. its cold creamy and sweet...
there are all these wierd flavors that as far as i can tell correspond to nothing in reality, like croket...i mean what is that?
from what i can tell that word signifies fuckin good cause it is...there are actually quite a few like that...
so yesterday ash and i (thats curly haired too cute for her own good demonia) took a yoga class in the afternoon which was the bomb diggity shit..
diaper pants yoga man busted out the diaper shorts to celebrate the lovely weather and these people when they say vinyasa they mean fuckin vinyasa i mean homeboy hardly even spoke we all just breathed as if were one set of lungs and moved as one...lovely...
after that chica and i went for ice cream...had one of those blank gringa experiences where we just couldnt figure shit out, i was like ok..to the dude with the ice cream scoop`, do i need to order over there and pay over there and then come back with a reciept? he was like yeah...i was all cool...
so i go over and try to order and the chick is like no you sit down and somebody will take your order and ash and i are like, ok so we have to sit down, we dont order here and pay here and go there with a recipt? and chicks like nah man sit down...we like ok....
just trying to get a fuckin cono de helado...
so we waitin.....
for a waiter....
theres like 30 of em but none of em coming to get me reunired with my helado...
finally this dude says something in unintelligable spanish...
im like oh goody here we go...hes like blah diddly hoo ha...
up in spanish so fast and accenty you cant understand...
im like heres the blank gringa face meant to communicate i dont get a fuckin word yer sayin...so he says it again...im too happy from all the yoga to really try to work this out...figure if he really wants to communicate he will slow down a little...
finally he does he says real slow and loud in english are you waiting for a waiter? we like, yeah man...
swear i didnt hear nothing like that in the spanish garbledygook homeskillet was spitting its not like im a moron i can say waiting for a waiter...
jesuuuuuuuus...
so he sends a waiter over and we start to order only to have the waiter tell us that actually we need to order cones over there...
we start to laugh, we cant help it were like man that chick told us we gots to sit down and here we are..hes like um ok you fuckin wierdos you gotta order yer cones over there and pay over there and get a recipt and take it over there...and we just cant take it..we start laughing hysterically...
its all too much
theres just too much happening in this establishment
so we make our way to the door call this one a yoga bliss gringa expo and find a smaller gelatería where we successfully pedir some enormo delicioso helado en barquillos and start walkin home...the happiest gringas for like miles in any direction...

economía puede chupar mis nalgas

so my program requires that i take 6 classes. fine. i have fulfilled this requirement by taking three bullshit classes and three real classes...
the most bullshit of all bullshit classes is called seminario de cultura chilena. it covers, apparently, everything..and i have no choice, i have to take it.
each week a new professor shows up to spend two class periods which are two hours long, on a given theme...say. the history of chile.
or chilean economy.
that was today.
where to begin where to begin.
ok. i had a paper due in another class and got up early to finish, so was already pretty tired even after two cups of crappy coffee...i wanted to skip it but somebody reminded me that thurs the partying begins and thats when im a want to skip this...
they have all these parties to celebrate idependencia with like music and food and dancing and stuff...
anyway so i go even though im really tired and at first, when i see that this guy has diagrams projected i think maybe this wont be so bad.
ill tell you what i got out of the dude last week who had that thick chilean accent like he got cotton balls in his mouth and who i actually could understand but kinda wished i couldnt...
chile is a poor country, very very isolated..mountains. big. dryest desert in the world, biggest terremotos...did i mention isolated?
about an hour in this was about it and i stopped listening and started doodling in my notebook.
well today was worse.
homeboy puts up his figures and he says, we fins to talk about three épocas, the middle one is of course allendes rule and hes all, well here we have government interference with free market, and thats obviously bad, the following period, military dictatorship, was an example of the government mostly hands off the economy, with intervention that helped it progress...
im all great so once again they send us a retrogressive freak with whom i am literally unable to either argue or agree in even any small part...i know there prolly someone out there who can..but it aint me..
then its charts and graphs and numbers and markets and blue lines and red lines and dots that look like eggs and import and export and on and on...
i do some spanish homework...i look up some words...i get very tired.
one guy actually gets up and leaves, homeboy stops talking to draw attention to this.
i stay in my seat.
shoulda vaulted the fuckin table and ran for it.
it just keeps getting worse..
the part i can kinda sorta understand is that clearly pinochet worked wonders for the economy and i think thats just fuckin dandy...
and then theres just all sorts of numbers and lines..
im so tired i can hear songs playing in my head, so i start drawing swirly lines and writing the lyrics in my notebook.
i wanted outta there so bad i was ready to claw my own face off...
nota a mí misma. never ever ever, nunca jamás take a class on economía, especialmente no uno ensañado por some kind of fucking retrogrado conservador cuico freak, y especialmente nunca en español.

entre falling rain

sudden shift of heat
sweltering sun thick atmosphere
contaminación que no me deje respirar
noticias malas muestran imágenes de los cuerpos entre las calles de Nueva Orleans what began as a drizzle
ayer hacía sol pero hoy de repente el llover empezó
what was a thin thread of rain became a torrent
dirty water rushing through streets visual thread to dirty bloated feet
el agua cayendo
missed my stop
pensando en my people my country my tragedy
swift rush of metro wind
soft sound of Silvio on my headphones
soothing my wild heart and drying the tracks of tears and stains of rain from my ravaged face
y el rostro of my rage
having left me stained and struggling to breathe
mientras cuerpos aíslados flotando en Nueva Orleans streets
walking home in the rain i take off my glasses too wet to do any good and continue blind
so far from my people
so far removed from the tragedy that is my government despite such wealth
its riches sent to secure oil on foriegn shores while our own supplies poison rapidly rising waters
and the soft spoken slow moving sweet drawling people of New Orleans
y no puedo creerla
poorer countries offering aid while nearly half of Louisianas National Gaurd swelters in Iraq and prisoners are airlifted from the path of destruction private property secured
leaving behind those who would or could not leave in time
my mind
mixing trips through the french quarter
Vic singing softly at night back by the bay of the boy she loved so desperately so hopelessly in that jazz soaked heat of oysters and beer and crawfish ettouffé
of an old woman in a market place waggin her finger and readin my mind
her grinning wild saying dont you do it girl
of the hot dusty streets where Mel first said she loved me
im so very sorry Nawlins
you took me in and welcomed me and offered me something cool to drink
you watered your plants on balconies as i strolled bare legged beneath
you laughed as i dipped my head beneath that stream of cool water
discúlpame Nueva Orleans
lo siento mucho que estoy lejos de ti en esta frío país en que no se puede entender your heat
your spice sweet swagger walk
rich blue skies soft slow southern drawl
lo siento tan mucho por criminal negligance on the part of a government that claims to represent me
for the poorest and the darkest left to sink or swim
for orders of shoot to kill
for prison industrial complex for oil guzzling war machine
for George W. Bush for unholy rage for retribution institutionalized greed blatant rascism private property
for not being there or anywhere near unable even to feel the common reaction of
mi pueblo a nuestra propia tragedía
perdóname Nueva Orleans
mi gente
mi país
buried beneath rising waters of contagion of greed
mirando yo imágenes de la gente rodeando por agua sucia
escuchando yo en otra idioma mi pueblo traducido
y no pude creerla
y no puedo creer
y los rasgos of my rage
y las lágrimas que lloro yo tan lejos de ti
entre falling rain

noticias malas

trying to understand news reports in spanish and saying quietly to myself thats my country, those are my people..
and so angry and sad that so little was done to help these people get out of there interviews with a man whose wife was torn from his hands by the force of the water she gone he kept saying she gone and trying to explain to myself and sympathetic chileans about racism and poverty and lack of education and why exactly there are images of poor blacks looting and ignorant white men with guns and the exact statement that we are making to the world with the words shoot to kill, and the notion that so much more could have been done but wasnt, and even the very idea that my country has no system in place to recieve aid from abroad and i laugh bitterly but so very deeply sad beneath all that because those are my people, that is my country and almost poetic justice right that our oil rigs are floating and contaminating rising floodwaters but chickens coming home to roost should root out those who took away the money and resources that could have slowed this beast and sent them to seek oil on other shores not the poor people and those who had no way to leave a sinking ship. it seems so unfair and so fuckin tragic like wars and natural disasters and rumors of war just continally and simultanaity, of being confused in mexico while body counts rose and water levels, or of how the weekend before katrina hit there was all this rain and the news showed the slide of houses basically shacks falling into rivers grown wide while i gaped wide eyed and kept asking where is that, where do those people live, what part of the city is that into which my privelidged white ass has never ventured where houses are huts barely big enough for a makeshift bed and bridges melt overnight and then this, rising sweep of water and gw pats himself on the back for finally getting off his fuckin ass and wandering down south to pretend to help...last night as i talked to my roomate a bomb went off , we didnt know what the hell happened, just the loudest sound we had ever heard and we raced to the window to see a billowing column of smoke less than a block away. we live in a middle class neighborhood, really quiet and pretty, not the richest part of town but the president lives about 6 blocks away...we thought maybe it was an accident at a nearby construction site...several of the roomies went running out to see while i grabbed my coat but when i got downstairs they were running back into the house yelling about a man waving a gun around...we all got inside and realized one roomate was still out there, he had run the opposite way, he showed a few minutes later and he said the bomb hit the bank of boston out on the corner, and the guy waving a pistol around and yelling at the crowd of curious bystanders was security, when the others asked him why he ran the other way and not toward the house he said hey when a guy points a gun and yells run, you dont stop to tell him you live the other way. half an hour later the police had the area cordoned off, no more crazed gunmen or not knowing who is the bad guy anyway except that when we asked if they were trying to rob the bank he said no it was a protest because its almost september 11. no way to know. this place is going to get a little crazy i think in the coming week...

talkin shit

so when i told lil jen i had sent out the link to my blog she was like, well you better be careful what you say.
i was like, its cool..not like im trying to talk a bunch a shit about the folks in my program...or at least that is what i thought...
then one of my roomies told me that someone had told her, that i was talking some shit up on the blog about some peeps...or they had gotten that impression or whatever.
now im trying to say what i got to but avoid the shit talkin..not cause im such a nice person or some crap but cause i gotta see these same fools all year long and they all speak the same language as me and i aint trying to piss them off. sitch like this makes for some unlikely allies i will say that much. and i think thats what i was trying to say when somebody got the impression that i was talking shit...
the thing is that there is a fine line.
whatever it was that pissed off whoever it was, and i dont so much care...well it was probably a moment when my ass was tiptoeing the tightrope between observation and judgement...thats a tough one.
i wanna just be down for all of us being different, and notice in which odd and interesting ways we are, and yet i know that a lot of that comes off as judgement, and some of it actually is...whatcha gonna do? so from now on ima talk shit in spanish.
i was hanging out with some kids, friends of my roomates, and i was all, man can i get something better than this huevòn shit everybody use all the fuckin time here...i mean seriously..big balls?? ok fine so they are really fuckin big but come on..thats yer all purpose cussword?
culiado, it means fuckin, but it doesnt sound like it...and theres all kinda puta this and puta that...not so much feeling that either...i dont see myself walking around yelling whore at things that dont function, like computers and microwaves...
i was like, dont you have something stronger, something more like what they got up in mexico...believe you me i miss me some chingar, joder, coger, pinche...
and dudes was like yeah you can say chùpalo! i was like, i kinda like that...it means suck it..and you can add lo que cuelge, so then its like suck the thing that hangs, its combersome in english but its basically like suck my dick...only better cause its vague...and then theres anda de la chucha de tu madre...basically, walk to the cunt of your mother...again theres a certain ring that gets lost in translation...also one can just yell chucha! or alternatively concha! i like that, next time im hella pissed im a be all CUNT!!!!!
cause the thing was that my ass was hella unable to express anger in spanish, i was all like. i am angry. you sir have made me angry. stop the bus. i say stop the bus. now. you have given me anger. you get the point...my shit was not functioning effectively...and now...well now i know that i can use cusswords in mexican spanish, chilean spanish, and english, and i can basically get my point across... so to all the folks who think my ass some kind of judgmental bitch who be talkin all kinda shit, well im sorry but what else can i say other than...
¡anda to the chucha de tu pinche madre!