uni en paro!!! fuck the fuckin pacos!!!!

my u is on strike.

no classes my man.

shit got crazy yestie,
high schools are on strike all over the country, public ones demanding muni passes and ect..with private schools turning out in solidarity to demand equal opportunity education and reforms allowing public school kids a better chance at getting into unis.. and theres a huge group of kids negotiating with the officials over they demands downtown in the biblioteca nacional

and then all these peaceful protests turned into madness as the fuckin pacos turned water hoses and tear gas on groups of secondary and college kids.

given how there are no classes at my school today im fins to go take some pics downtown.

the news last night showed insane crowds downtown mostly peaceful throughout the day but madness as night fell and the riot geared pacos went berserk attacking media and pulling kids off micros...man what can i say except fuck the fuckin police. im out. will report back later...

schooled at school part II

students in public schools are taking the day off to protest, requesting more classes, longer school hours, student passes and a fee waiver for entrance exams. these are high school kids in uniforms, completely adorable jumping around and blockading the entrance to public schools with desks and tables...one roomate explained to me that public schools run about two hours shorter than private and are of course less well funded overcrowded ect thus ensuring that entrance exams which will allow students to attend unis in chile will be dominated by private school kids...and the notion of charging to take them also just places an economic burden on public school kids...

i can only say go kids. i mean i personally have never seen such an activated and organized group of kids, these are district wide strikes involving most of the public schools in Santiago, and the demands being made are pretty clearly articulated such that even gringo yo kinda gets it...

in order to support thier struggle several faculties at my school are also on strike and kids with signs halfway block the gates...

i however have a paper due. and this may be my most brilliant one yet. under the anti-fungal-fog of whatever-the-hell-im-taking to sacarme of the flesheating virus i remained unsure that i had managed however humbly to make any sense of the book that is probably for me reason enough to have taken this whole dumb class and read all those other crappy books because this one can only be compared appropriately to some of my favorite crap in the world, such as for instance Jeanette Winterson and Kathy Acker and Anais Nin...but really its the first one that holds up bigtime.

so rush out now and seek out the chilean author Diamela Eltit. fuckin brillliant shit. so i just read El Infarto Del Alma..which is a love story/filosofical treatise on hermenuetics/erotics/love/testimonio which deals with couples in an insane asylum...

accompanied by absolutely beautiful pics of aforementioned couples the text and imagery join in a zinelike short novel length thing that can be appreciated by anyone but only understood by crazy french theory people like Kristeva or Irigaray but in any case i wrote a fuckin paper and it wasnt half bad. i had to go search for backup, other smarter people who could apply all the french theory shit that i cant but i did ok...

so now im off to class.

yay.

slight improvement on all fronts

the rash is going away while i remain monstrously disfigured i am attempting to catch up on the mountain of schoolwork i have been neglecting for the past week or so...

roomie sitch also improved. i decided sunshine laws shd be in effect and openly discussed what had gone down with the brazilian and with the n carolinian and the ash. figuring the more open the whole thing is the less likely to be repeated...

but i must say there is mad sexual tension up in this house. while the brazilian and i both remained somewhat chastened for a day or two, especially after he told me hes only ever been with the girl hes with now...whoa. yeah buddy. and i was like wait but you said she studied abroad for a year and you both saw other people and he was like well i kissed other people and i was like. oh. damn.

yet the little fucker (perhaps i shd call him a big fucker) insists on playing a form of chicken with me that nobody can win, has not significantly modified flirtatious behavior and now instead of responding to verbal warnings (in order to point out that a line is to be drawn between friendly hug and hey thats your tongue on my earlobe- i usually say yer in danger) well so that worked for a while but last time he just laughed at me...i guess i take things too seriously, he just doesnt think its a big deal and seems to know what his own limits are and follows them..

i have a pretty clear idea now what his limits are. i am not the only girl hes kissed in this country and probably wont be the last...and its hard to explain to those of you that dont know him that he seriously is about the sweetest guy ever so hes definitely got good intentions and isnt trying to get laid...i mean seriously a year with his girl in another country dating other people and he never.....i mean shit.

and the north carolinian accused me recently of playing chicken with him, cause i like to say really lewd shit to him, just amuses the hell out of me cause its so easy to make him get a little uncomfortable and for me the big difference is that i would never ever even consider taking any of it seriously...

other than that i just masturbate a lot. got the elephant who is like the rabbit only trunk instead of ears, but honestly i kinda prefer to do that by hand. im just so fuckin good at it. yes ive become my very own hunnypot lovemachine...despite the itchy rash, i still find me attractive. its amazing how long this thing has lasted with me. i think i may be the one.

but then theres this whole thing about being regalona of the house which i generally love cause it means that everybody hugs me and gets silly with me, the one chilean kid is always calling me names i dont know to make me look them up or calling me fuckin gringa (i taught him that one!) and everybody is pretty affectionate with me...but its wierd maybe im just a big fat complainer but sometimes im like PUT ME DOWN STOP HUGGING ME FUCKIN SUELTAME ALREADY....but when nobody loved me i complained too so maybe its all relative...

and then theres the countdown. one month and one week and 4 days...(3 hrs 16sec)

so here is the sitchy

what we got here is an evolving housemate sitiation. well my girls have basically checked out, lesh married the monkey and moved in with him and his monkey bros and ash is spending all her free time with nico which makes sense cause shes abt to leave...i have two girl chilean roomates but they are also mia much of the time so that leaves me, two chilean boys, the gringo and the brazilian...

the chileans spend most of their time studying cause they are in law school and ill equipped to deal with social situations, seriously they act really really young and stressed out most of the time. one of them will kick it a little depending on how good his mood is but the general atmosphere is basically me and a bunch of dudes..

now i know i have mentioned this before but the thing is that its been changing slowly, to the point where im actually pretty cool with the north carolinian and we have had many intense convos working out the kinks and slowly learning to trust each other and how to deal with the basic facts of being almost opposite in so many ways. its cool though now cause weve really learned how to not offend each other all the time and have a pretty freindly re. same with the brazilian. the two of them basically poke fun at me and treat me like a kid sister or something...which is fun for me except when they throw me at each other or give me wet willys...

so weve all become pretty affectionate and comfortable with each other to the point where sometimes i will curl up on the couch and cuddle with one of em or crawl in bed saturday morning to cuddle before going to look for food in the cold cold kitchen...and thats how i ended up in a victoria of old sort of drama....

the brazilian is super cute and cuddly and fun loving and affectionate, kinda biggish and furry and chubby basically a teddy bear of a guy who is always surrounded by girls cause he likes hanging out with girls, hes super cuddly and kinda flirty and that my dear friends is how things went a little too far...despite all this he has a very serious gf in brazil to whom he is attempting to maintain some sort of fidelity...

so what happened is at some point in all this huggy cuddly little kisses on the cheek things started feeling very borderline...the thing is hes genuinely sweet and nice and being flirty is just part of his personality, unfortunately for all involved its also part of mine. things started harmless enough with goodnight hugs and one time i woke up when the boys came home drunk and leo (el brazilero) picked me up and carried me back to bed and tucked me in with sal and asked if i wanted a glass of water or cereal or some pizzapan (a gringo invention as gross as it sounds it involves bread ketchup and cheese) kissed me good night and left..and theres pretty much nothing sweeter than that right?

so things were all right but it started becoming clear that there was this undercurrent of energy between us beneath all the friendly roomy stuff...well what happened is we fell asleep cuddling and woke in the middle of the night and im not sure who started it but somebody kissed somebody and this was no friendly roomy kiss...and this kinda lasted a few mins or so and then we were both like whoah this isnt sposed to happen.. anyway it isnt a big deal we both said sorry and decided its better that we each sleep in our own bed...

but i broke not one but two cardinal rules. dont shit where you eat and dont kiss boys who have girlfriends, but gotdamit why do they keep kissing me? anyway its a very situational thing i think he and i both have people far far away that we love and want to be with and then theres us here and now...obviously dif for me cause im not in some kinda committed whatev...but with a month and a half left here and a burny itchy rash covering my chest it seems doubtful i will be getting some in this country...which is whatev. frustrating. lonely. probably for the best.

so there you have it.

its amazing the attention a flesh eating disease will get ya

so i have been a little out of it for a few days and heres why, note the shout out medicality for a belated celebration of victoria day.

I HEART U VEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the mysterious rash that wasnt so bad got markedly worse on the weekend at which point my roomies were like yeah you need to hit the clinica, that shit look real bad.. and i was like i know ill go monday at school if it isnt better cause the ole cash flow dictates that random doctor hits be maintained at lowest expenditures...

well i hadnt seen ash since thurs so when i saw her at school monday the itchy burny puffy redness had begun creeping from mainly chest neck shoulders down to cover entire belly and back, it was so bad i had to wear a scarf to disguise the fact that it was slowly making its itchy red way up my neck and apparently bent on devouring my face. when i showed her she yelped..literally. she was like man thats gross as fuck are you going to the doctor and i was like yup.

so she and lil jen offered to escort me to the student clinic having been there before and even though we all knew we would have to backtrack to hall universitario to make an official appt and pay..

so we go and its the lunch hour so decide to leave and come back, ash has to go to class and jen stays with me. we go back and the lady says they have no appts i have to make an official one at hall uni. so we go there and lacking the word for rash i just take off the scarf and the lady is like ok we have no appointments but you need to be seen today, dont go to the student clinic go straight to dermatology and show them what you showed me until they fit you in then they are gonna send you back here to pay....its amazing what the sight of a flesh eating disease gets you..

so i wa like ok...at this point jen was gettin tired but we ran into ash again, jen head out and ash stays with me.. so we head for dermatology where they tell me there are no appts and i have to go to hall uni and i explain and what the other lady told me and show the nice people my rash at which point they are like hold on ill go find a doctor...

so i get an appt have to go back to hall uni to pay and then back again to dermatology. this whole experience has been heavily marked by my trying to get my name spelled correctly and not knowing the word for insurance...but ash is cool to chill we get the shit filled out and my ass gets seen...

have to strip down to bra and panties in fronta not one but two docs but they are nice, so they tell me that its an allergic reaction for sure but they have some doubts as to what and suggested it might have been caused by an infection, im like wait i had an infection twice, a good ole caint breath viral infection of the lungs due to the combo of my respiratory ish and mad contamination so they was like yeah we ordered some tests and heres a prescription to make that horror go away...

so as you may have guessed i had to take some orders from the docs to the lab folks then back to hall uni to pay...headed home after the whole day of literally 7 trips back and forth...got me some meds and the rash is going away, the blood test stuff was fun cause they took like 6 test tubes and i was like hey dont i need that and all blurry cause i had to go first thing yestie without eating anything so between meds and blood and no food i was like wooooooo

then i came home and watched little women and went to sleep...

oh yeah and i kissed the brazilian on accident but thats another story and shall be told another day...

i may be allergic to chile

the insanity of itchy rash that still covers my back shoulders and chest...
the why oh why did i not traer any calomine
tecnu
outmeal soothing stuff..
instead i literally made actual outmeal and smeared the goo all over me. it was kinda sticky. but niiiiiiiice...

then i thought to ask at the pharmacy where i made a gringofied spectable of, i have a consulta, my prob is i got this i dont know how you call it? and it itches? its a like, umm...like spots or, ok basically this here on my neck see this, yeah this is all over my upper body you got anything for this???

yeah that was fun.

then i went to a lil hell week is done celebration at the party apt and while i had thought of wearing a turtleneck i decided fuck it ima wear the shirt i wanna wear and folks can just not look closely...i mean it doesnt look that bad...

so the thing waas though that i kept bitching about it, pointing it out to everyone. robert el dueno fucking pointed and laughed at which point i said you have a fucking mullet and im allergic to your country, shut up or i will be forced to hurt you...

then several gringas in my program showed me the mysterious wintertime bumps on they faces, they said they think its the contamination the same thing happened to them both last winter and then ash was like yeah and i still cant fuckin breath right going on a second round of antibiotics...i wa like..damn...

our bodies are literally rejecting this place...

so the party died down until about 5 diehard mostly australians, one very cute brazilera but with british accent (if it even gets cuter than that...) and i remained dancing to the bombest mix wed been able to mix up considering the crash of a combined two computers and three ipods...

still and all it was fuckin boomb..we threw in some salt n pepa and david bowie james brown and jackson five and i know yall think thats a mix that cant be mixed but it can, and it was and we danced our drunkity asses off till the cops showed and then we was like, yeah aight we can bajar the volumen, but man...we like five people!!! and all of us had mysteriously lost our cedulas didnt know our rut and hadnt carried a passport all on the advice of the doormen downstairs who were like dont give them any info they cd revoke yer visas.....

then i returned home through the coldy cold cold cold night and the aussie accompanied me so i loaned her some mittens for the return trip and hit the sack, reminding myself as i drifted off not to scratch it only makes it worse...

relativity. a j inspired rant..

regarding our support for our immigrant community as they demand the legal rights they so clearly deserve and the place white people serve or how we can bridge that gap acknowledge difference and offer coalition offer support and the difference between where he is in the eye of the storm or where i am in a cold cold cold latin american country and what me must expect and hope for/from ourselves and those whose rights we would support

somewhere in the middle is the thing and the notion of creating community by offering coalition building support and that bravery cause that is hard to feel, being wrong and knowing it and doing the work to correct it. tough stuff. taught transgressions.

and here chileans laugh uproriously when i do impressions of mexicans and so do the chicano kids in my program does that make it ok? i suspect not and that i am wrong and now must correct yet again here it is completely acceptable to mimic the manner in which asians speak spanish i mean they do it in ads and it blows my mind literally leaves me fuming..

and in a certain sense i have to pick a careful trail between cultural relativity and predjudice.. after all i cannot tell off self righteously every single person who jokingly says maricon just like i cannot fight them every single time they call relatively harmless piropos but it still pisses me off makes me feel all itchy in my own skin and just want out for a minute but there is no out here where tvs in the metro show closeups of womens asses in "fashion shows" all day long and i wonder what right i have to tell this country that i want the fuck out because no i will not cook for my stupid chilean roomates if la duena is running late and i grow weary of people looking me up and down and i want my boy identity back

but what place do i have to stand on coming where i come from where the same kinds of issues and predjudice is simply masked by correct speech in the majority of the land or on the other hand actual attempts are made but in small lliberal communities.

i realized long ago that the same standards do not apply and if i have any hope of learning anything here it is not by arguing and fighting but by politely doing what needs to be done in order to gain the privelidge of the trust that i am given routinely and with such generosity

what is asked in return can sometimes seem tough, and sometimes it seems so little to ask of me that i must play a stupid gringa role or hear lectures about how much more spanish i ought to speak or i must dance a ranchera or help clean up or help cook or walk through doors that are opened for me or dress like a girl or laughingly brush off overly aggressive jerks and its a toss up cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont, there are times when i ignore it pretend its just not happening and times when i try and figure just whose hand is on my ass and accidentally on purpose knee that fuckwad in the balls.. and it isnt like im right and they are all wrong

even though the nephew of la duena comes in military uniform to tell me that it is womens jobs to cook and have babies and yes i know he is kidding just like the north carolinian but i long ago stopped laughing at jokes like these,

i remember when it happened when i said i refuse to allow you to brazenly acknowledge both your position of elevated status relative to me and your unwillingness to change such a thing as if it were funny.

because it isnt. not to me. but the lines are shifting and tough. after all i on the basis of being gringo and white attend the wealthiest and most prestigious university in this country and bitch about the lack of tp. its such a shifty line. relativity.

getting schooled at school

so i have turned in three papers and done one presentation which went reasonably well despite the fact that jen pequena was running so late she not only didnt meet us before class as planned but didnt show up until 30 minutes after class had begun and gabby and i were nervous as hell all where the hell is lil jen...

turns out she was running late and fixing citations which she said wed fucked up bigtime, i only had a handful of em but yeah id def fucked em up and she just couldnt help but add a little more info abt the election which is fair enough...

so we did our heres afghanistan past and present causes and repercussiones bit in castellano, and it was a little bit muddled by the language and our nervousness...when we finally got to my part which is near the end and titled systemic abuse against women i was all wooohoo and everybody looked at me funny at which point i was like, not woohoo for violence against women, thats not good, woohoo cause this is my part...

i had facts and figures and charts and graphs, no kidding i got this graph showing causes of death among these women in which maternal mortality is overwhelmingly higher than cancer and violence and thats just insane to me they actually have the highest maternal mortality rate worldwide due to the fact that women cant be seen by male doctors and skilled female healthworkers are in short supply which isnt surprising since the illiteracy rate among women in the 70s was 94% and all the regimes since then have been against educating women...things are getting a little better now there are some programs going in but jesus its a mess and the karzai gov has shut down five schools for being co ed which is against the laws of islam and to me thats just fucked cause they need all the schools they can get but anyway now im going off again which is what happened in class and they was like wrap it up and i was like but i have so much more cause we aint talked about the insane fertility rates or lack of contraception, 2%!!!!!!!!!! of afghan women use contraception...

anyway so homeboy was like yeah yeah wrap it up...whatev and then after he was like you guys did a good job but be careful with language yall dont wanna come off like georgy "us and the terrorists" you have to talk in terms of terrorist tactics and specific groups who use terrorist tactics...state actors use terrorist tactics too...just be careful about labelling someone a terrorist and think about who gets to decide who is and is not a terrorist..

i was like oh damn i didnt even know that shit was in my head, that category and the application of it...the notion that i can just blithely call someone a terrorist when that is clearly the easiest and fastest way to abrogate someones civil rights...

so today i am writing a paper abt a book i never read which is the most useful bit of stupidity i have learned here in chile where they assign so much reading that you generally choose to read either the critica or the book...and it just depends on how much other shit is going on...i mean partly its that i read real fuckin slow in espanol but then theres all this pressure im not even reading stuff cause i wanna anymore its all about this paper or that quiz i tell you what im sick of the school sytem here and i cant wait to get back and take classes i enjoy and get to discuss shit and come up with new ideas and approaches instead of parroting back the going theory...on the other hand i do like all the theoretical crap i just want a little more of a mix between the two systems...and its gotten so cold lately all i can think is its nealy summer in san francisco...

right now i am having an allergic reaction to a new soap or lotion or the water or the air, bumpy itchy redness all over my neck chest shoulders and ive already taken antihistimines and cut out new lotion and new soap starting to think im allergic to chile....

i hate the computer but i still rule!!!

so hell day began last week but we all know that really the shit hits the fan on the very last day. well lets see i fell behing in all my classes rereading and prepping for the three essays i had to write this weekend...

for the business on afghanistan for my conflicto armado class which is a paper between three peeps and a 15minute presentation my lil buddy jen sent me no kidding 44 articles...

that plus the insane rereading of borges barthes and levi strauss kept me pretty busy with a little side trip into rereading land and i had basically worked out a plan that would allow me the weekend for the hardest paper which lucky for me my prof said i cd do in english which probably saved my life...

ok so friday i spent with my group on afghanistan which proved my theory that a three people group doesnt get shit done...so we didnt...then i took off for the library, another campus where they had sent the barthes book i needed for the weekend even though id already had it forever i didnt make a copy of the part that i needed...

so i was off across to the other side of the good ole rio mapocho in search of another campus of my school called lo contador...so lucky for me its not too far and i find it and get directed to the library where i know by now i have to check my backpack like its a club plus use my school id to get through the little security gate and i already have the call number written down im basically all about the 500times more prepared you gotta be to get anything done in chile, but i forgot that when i had that book i returned it late, so when i go to check it out homeboys like you got a fee and im like right, so i leave the book use the id scan through the little gate turn in my ticket get my wallet out of my bag recheck my bag rescan my ticket go back in and ask the dude how much and he says once mil. well im bad with numbers so i think at first ive heard him wrong cause im thinking its like a mil and some change so i ask him again and he repeats it and i say un luca(a mil) mas cuanto cuase im sure this cant be right and he like diez...at this point im like unbelievable impossible it cannot fuckin be, i say esta seguro, me parece como mucho, pero como mucho mucho mucho...

hes like yep once mil, im like but thats more than twenty bucks!!!

turns out they serious as fuck about getting books back on time, so they around 60cents a day which at home would be a lil much and here is fuckin insane i shd be able fo buy at least two books for 11mil...seriously...but i got no choice i need me some barthes, however i also dont have that much cash...so i leave the book buzz the card get the bag and head up to the cash machine i passed on my way in and sure enough its the banki that reallllllly fucks me but i need me some barthes in english no less and i know now why they got an atm outside the liberry...

anyway i get my book i head home...whatev.
sat i do all this rereading making notes prepwork crap and put together most of the afghanistan thing...i am cranky and uninspired and my boobs hurt, cant even lay on my belly im talkin...so i go to bed and im liike ok just abt done with afghanistan just need to whip it out first thing in the morning
...
but in the middle of the night is when the so bad they wake me from sound sleep even though i had just then finally gotten warm all curled up with pjs plus hoodie plus sweats plus sal and my lil fuzzy blanket beneath 2 wool blankets two regular ones and the comfortor plus one extra thrown on top...thats where i was fuckin happy as a clam when i was slammed with some of the worst cramps ever..

on the up side, a very kind mom of my roomate sent midol...on the down, the upstairs bathroom tiolet went bersercker for some reason today so i now have to use another one...not to mention how unspeakably gross it was when i wanted to take a shower only to find that the taza had overflowed...giiiirooooossss..

so i was suckin down coffee fighting off cramps and nearly insane from all the caffiene...many of you have seen me on midol and you all know it isnt pretty...when microsoft word decided to just completely not function at all...wouldnt open, wouldnt save...had to do all my shit in an applemcfuck wordidy whatev and that means i cant finish spellcheck and whatev until tom and my first essay is due at 10am....

but lets go back to the fun moment when i realize word is mcfucked, its when i have to redo, not a ton but like two paragraphs cause it shuts down unexpectedly...

so im already frustrated when i sit down with barthes and borges and levi strauss in hand and no word just an appleworks whatev and ive been putting this paper off till last cause deep down im literally terrified i cant do it...really i am...

but then somehow miraculously i do, slowly consulting the theory every step of the way i start applying barthes to borges and then levi strauss and before i know it im off and ive written an essay of such metalinguistic metaphysical complexity that i literally have no idea what its about...thats right i pretty much dont understand it myself...i only hope i dint fuck it up cause if i did the only person in the world who could possibly catch an improbable application of mythologies to tlon uqbar orbis tertuis just happens to be my prof...

so i am exhausted and braindead but free at least until tom when my group will complete the presentation, i wrote three essays in one day and i fucking survived and whats more i dont have to write another until thursday!!!

i am a genius, fear me!!! i used to think i cd pull an essay out of my ass but this has been so far beyond anything i have ever accomplished, with insane cramps in what has to be the coldest darkest house on earth without stopping for chocolate a cigarette or even lunch i wrote multiple essays in two different languages in the course of one day....

fuckin go me...

and also in my defense...

ive been pretty stressed out with school stuff. i have two papers due monday, paper and a presentation tues and another paper on thurs for which i have not begun the novel...

however i have just knocked off a decent rough of the casa verde paper although i havent read that novel either but who has time to read novels estamos en chile as the folks like to say when i aint got nothing in espanol...tenemos tareas y todo...

yeah i know estamos en fuckin chile y tenemos que hablar en castellano, pues bien si quieres escuchar el acento de mierda de la gringa ruidosa well thats yer fuckin deal

ok so i was just saying i got a bunch a shit to do most of it in fuckin espanol and as we all know i do not really speak that there idioma...

or rather, it just depends...there are days and there are days...

today por ejemplo, im all up in my lit theory class with my young hip adorable chilean teacher one tal cristian opazo and hes goin off like he does talkin hella fuckin fast about what derrida had to say about foucault with a little side note to explain and or reference hiedegger nietzche and frued and then a complete tangent about levi-strauss and im with him right...

as usual its hella early and im fuckin tired (cant miss any more of my morning classes as i have been in the habit of sleeping through one or two each week so now need to fuckin asistir todo if you will) anyway im there im with him im watching thinking how pretty his hands are and he wears these like cute old man clothes and im following and im catchaing and then like 2/3rd of the way through im lost...gone, try tuning back in no go its all sign signifier sign en espanol so i tune out....

anyway later i mention this to a chilean classmate and im pantomiming the actions of you know im cool i catcho buen entendido ok bien bien and then nada no so que hueva esta hablando no catcho nada and homeboy was like dont worry the same thing happens to us and we speak spanish...i was like bakan.

Ok so I may have overeacted a little tiny bit…

well i finally talked to the man himself asking him to clarify what he meant and letting him know what i heard and...

It seems that an unspoken request for reassurance as regards our re and an unfortunate wording (even he admits that it was in fact probably the worst possible word choice) in the email sent to me plus my own tendency to jump wildly to insane conclusions led to my own pathos leading me down a bad bad path of speculation and heartbreak…

I kinda feel stupid now and almost wanna just erase the last two posts…but in the interests of full exposure and sunshine laws and the like I let it all stand…

the thing is that I have been slowly accepting a more and more tenuous relationship with j where when I first arrived we were going to stay together from afar, then realized that one cannot have a relationship that stretches that far…
And that was painful and sad and absurd…but realistic I spose..

Then there was talk of living together again, after all I reasoned id never been so happy living with anyone else, seemed to recommend it…but there was some stuff there as well we were both a little stagnant a little too fat and happy and not feeling like we kept ourselves in contact with our separate worlds fully enough…

So we let that one go in the spirit of who knows what and who we will be in a year I guess we cant just jump back in like that, and he is installed in a wonderful home that is perfect for him but where I cd never live, a little too peaceful and zen and id just end up shouting the f word at some point something like ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING PEACEFULNESS ALREADY ITS FUCKING MAKING ME NUTS!!!

And we have both been dating other people over the past ten months although I have to say that when anyone does something stupid (ahem, turbo) id be like man you a idiot j would never even think of saying/doing something as stupid as that.

Which brings me to the current status, el estado actual if you will…where we don’t know what will happen but we remain committed to giving ourselves and each other the space to let our relationship become whatever it needs to be in light of our year apart. Sort of a Geneva accord in relationship terms that I thought had been broken, thus the caustic rabid hysterical over the top response and I know I cd have asked for clarification faster, which I did today finally and with actual voice on voice contact allayed my fears that the primary status of our re had been displaced with a secondary.

And the odd thing is that I did know how much I love this guy and need him in my life. And I think hes the only one who knows how strong the bond between us has remained even though relayed through phone and email weve maintained such an immense level of intimacy that I know by now I cant read his emails or write response in the complab at school because I might cry in public and yeah im a crying whore but seriously I cant think of another person that I routinely reveal myself to in such an intimate terms and such blunt honesty and emotional openness that I literally cry from having those walls melting…

but I still didn’t really know it would be total devastation to consider our partnership displaced. Ive gotten accustomed to the idea that we just have to see what happens and maybe this will have a romantic aspect and maybe it wont. And its funny too cause it was upsetting at first to hear he was dating other people but I got used to that too I mean at this point he could have orgies with wwf wrestlers and I cd give a fuck as long as our partnership remains the primary relationship and we have the space to work out what that means upon my return in two months minus two days

And the other thing is that my own unleash of venom made it all the more clear just how much I need his fuzzy loving new age frou frou la la self to balance my evil venomous negative self, I have got some really really negative shit going on here and while in a way its been nice to just iindulge it im really feeling the lack of a more peaceful influence, probably the most amazing thing about j is that he makes me better than I am.

power puff

so i woke up sobbing and clutching sal uncertain for a moment what it was that made me feel fragile made of glass and completely shattered. then i remembered.

the emotional equivalent of nagasaki.
the big love of my life telling me hes so fuckin serious abt someone he started dating like a month ago that we are a complete thing of the past and there will be no lets see no maybe we can make this work even after a year no there will be none of that because hes already got a new girlfriend and he hopes we can be friends

i hope his face explodes but thats just me. at least im honest i want him to hurt as much as he is hurting me.

i like to skip right past grief and move straight to rage, rage i know and can live with. grief i cant. this slow pull hes been doing since i left this dance of you left me first now im leaving you back well its fucking done. at the very least he cant do any more damage. its always the sweet ones mark my words, cause they cant even admit to themselves what they are doing...yeah i know what if everything isnt about me what if this is just such a fucking special connection with some chick he apparently just met that it really does take precedance over being my partner of three years....hmm let me think about that. fuckin bullshit. he could easily have said im dating someone and that would be it, he didnt have to say well i guess thats it for us and i hope we can be friends...

this is bombs dropping this is final solution and there is lots of collateral damage and the infrastructure is fucked i mean people dont have water the hospitals are closed my chest is caving in. this fucking gotdam hurts ok?

but maybe since i have two more months here to get used to the idea i can be in the rebuilding phase when i get back maybe i can finally move on from one of the bigger crashes my dumb ass has ever seen. sorry to keep mixing metaphors like that but im still in the grief stage i cant help it. seriously.

in the spirit of moving swiftly from devastation to rage i dragged my sad sack of stupid self out of bed and showered quickly then pulled out the second shortest pink mini and pink top the idea being to radiate power...pink power that is, with the pink chucks and all...kinda worked...but not really.

i got a glimpse in the mirror and my face was pale but with a reddish tinge of holding back tears i looked like devastation i looked like clearcut desert salt sown in soil afganistan.

and i am.

but just for today.

2 months minus one day

thats right peeps my ass coming home.

to what i dont know since my shit is farmed out my apt gone and the love of my life just dropped a line to let me know hes dating someone else...

not that i expected we could just pick up where we left off but i guess i thought wed have the option and be able to feel it out...

forgive the insanity i never cd take negative shit without spitting it back a million miles a minute and the fact is a bombshell waiting in my email was the last thing i needed today...
but whatev.

now im just bitching i guess. my brazilian roomate leo says im practicing to be a whingy old lady who complains all the time although he doesnt use the word whingy thats the aussies word plus budgie smugglers which refer to speedos budgie is a small bird

ok clearly i am in shock and awe due partly to my innefectual efforts to study all weekend all day all my life ect cause i have three papers and a presentation due next week monday then tuesday then the bomb falls of ive met someone blah blah like we all didnt see that one coming a fuckin mile away but what kills me is im about to come home.

i hope she dies.

i know you all think i dont mean that. but i do.

i dont do "happy for you" i do to paraphrase miranda of sex and the city "who will die alone and miserable"
but then what the fuck. miranda got steve back.

in the movie version id be an idiot but id get the boy. of course id also be ten pounds lighter and probably be coming back on a tidal wave of scholastic glory as opposed to what i suspect will be a well i wrote some papers lets fuckin jet...

yeah. so its not such a nice day to be me.

except. im coming home, and saucy says i can stay with her, and cheets and kerm are there and marty and i jesus i just so much wanna go home. been holding off a tidal wave of homesick for i dont know how long and when it starts to get cold and the budget is strung crazy tight and the schoolwork is piling on in and the love of yer life has moved on well...whatta you do then? you just really wanna go home.

miercoles po

so yall know i dont generally get along well with organized fun..its just too fuckin organized, drives me batnuts..so for this reason i have avoided like the plague a certain event called miercoles po which takes place of course on wednesday and basically is a gathering of intercambio estudiantes and the chilenos who love them? sounds like a bad idea right? thats what i said...

however k had just moved in with some friends from my program and invited me to come by and said they would all be going out..now i also usually avoid going out during the week as well but i was all bliss from a nap and wanted to see the kids so i decided what the hell...i was in a brief hiatus between enormous mind breaking borges essay and friday prueba and thought well nothings due tom anyway..

so i went by and had delish vodka ras with the girls and chilean leo and some other friends of ro, re, camilo and k the inhabitants of the party departamento...
then we all went off to miercoles po...

it was as bad as i had imagined and possibly worse, full to the rafters with gringo and euro exchange kids and i hadnt been in a room so full of tall people in quite some time. im sure ive said i am a normal size in chile, in fact they loads of chileans smaller than me, so i felt like a keebler elf as i inched through the room in search of the bar and the bano shitty electronic music thrumming through the floorboards...
this was bad

there were literally no chilenas there just chileno (ew) dudes trolling for slutty gringas and the euro kids who, when i asked wheres the bathroom were all like bad gringo spanish en espanol por favor now granted its a bit fucked to assume the german kids speak spanish but still i hate that vamos a hablar en espanol among other gringos bullshit...so i was like donde adentro de esta puta lugar voy a encontrar el bano huevon...sorta like how do you like me now fat boy en espanol...yeah at the very least i amuse myself...

anyway bar bano and friends encountered re proponered we get the hell out of there saying that a dj she likes was spinning nearby...we agreed and blew the joint..leo led the way out of that fucked up lugar for blocks and blocks with the cold and drunken gringos whining the whole way cuantos cuadras mas and ya llegamos and estamos alli and other where the hell are we are you sure you know where we going until finally we arrived...

as promised the dj was spinning hip hop and the girls got in free...so we were having a good time dancing and drinking beer when i spot my personal fave of turbos friends one dani...like three of his buddies have gfs named daniella i kid you not so this one is dani del mono, vs dani del huaton...anyway i was drunk and stoked and we hugged and then i asked who else was with her and sure enough it was the whole turbo crew so i went over to say hi and it was crazy i was really stoked to see them all, including the t aka jorgito or georgy re came over with the boys ro and leo to say hello and drunkenly blurted out hey turbo que tal to which jorge responded soy famoso...i agreed and we laughed and i asked him to dance with me...

it was fun, i asked how was his dog toyfel possibly the worlds cutest dog and he said con pulgas and i said con que and he enlisted the speaking a small english danis who said fleas and i said its all yer fault yer the human and he said no hes just a lazy little fucker and doesnt take baths..

anyway it was basically buena onda, not like we abt to be best friends or something but i was surprised to find that just abt all of the anger and bitterness had dissipated and was really stoked to see him and his friends and made him promise to come to a going away party before i leave..

so then we left and tried to find our way back to the car gabby and k and re robert and me, arguing drunkenly no estoy segura por alli no por alla it was a mess...we wandered around until robert took off in what was obviously the wrong direction k remembered she had a map and we all started shouting huevon tenemos un mapa ya pues ven po...

robert however had called leo who came to pick us up and took us back to the car which to our shame was only a block away...

dani mono and turbo were sitting on the curb waiting for leo to get back and laughed and asked what the hell happened to us, i said we were completely lost...we said goodbye again and got in roberts car and took off..

now i have to comment briefly that i have never been among the most careful of people but i find that general standards of behavior keep me somewhat safe by which i mean that in the states it just isnt really acceptable to drink and drive at least not among my friends whereas here its pretty run of the mill and while it troubles me there is no public transport late at night so there have been a few times to say the least that ive gotten into a car with a drunken driver, i mean theres still plenty of cabs and ive def done that more often but im just saying that with the dif in standards it happens much more commonly that i get home thinking jesus rach that was fuckin dumb you wanna die or what?

which is what i was thinking as robert raced off into the night, passing leo and his crew and all of us shouting his name and telling him to slow the fuck down...

anyway i did get home and into bed after promising gabby and k i would fer sure see em at 10 am (yeah right) in class the next day...i had it seemed just drifted off to sleep me and sal all curled up and cozy when my phone rang, which i mistakenly though was the alarm going off at 8am i picked it up to hear k drunk dialling to tell me she couldnt sleep cause her roomates were making too much noise... re will forgive me for outting her cause now everyone knows and i believe the exact words she said were theyre humping up a storm next door and i cant fuckin sleep...i was like wait i was asleep and she was like you suck and i was like gnight...

and that my friends is the first and last visit to miercoles po. i swear, no more cars with drunk drivers, no leggings with short skirts and i will not be going back for any more sleazy chileans and tall euros and bad electronic.
..

wild wild wedding

so it was a little nuts, first of all the last night of singledom was a big fat girls night affair, we made pasta and brocs and shrimpies and had wine and made brownies for dessert then the aussie arrived and we sat around drinking wine painting our nails and watching sex and the city...
i for one was quite drunk and didnt get to bed until around 3 then up at 9 and off to help the monkey pick up flowers...hung over and tired i mostly wanted another couple hours of sleep but worked on decorations and such with the monkey a nervous wreck the entire long long long day...
then k and i had to get ready at the monkeys house which is chock full of monkey bros and loud loud loud music ranging from shitty electronic to even shittier heavy metal to i dont even know what it was but it sucked...
the mono fam is cute but they were in my way as i tried to pull together my fancypants wedding outfit...
finally we all got back to the site and began greeting and ect when the bride walked in, she was sooooo beautiful it just about killed me and then when the ceremony got started i could tell the monkey was nearly in tears and that just took me right over the top so i started to cry what with the lack of sleep and the overwrought and the so much loooooove in the room and whatnot...
then there were the teeny tiny matching abuelitas del mono, fuckin cute...plus lil sis also adorable...
and the peeps from the program all dressed up and looking good...it was nice...so then we started drinking champagne and all of us were drunk by dinner...
we had a buncha wine with dinner and then started on the mixed drinks so that by oneam everybody was drunk as hell and everybody was creating drama and i as usual in my particular way got myself all mixed up in the drama that wasnt mine and self rightously annoyed by that which was ....

until i finally had to leave as every single couple including the bride and groom were bickering about stupid shit and the single people were arguing with the bartender...

well maybe i exagerrate, i guess not everybody was dramafied, some continued to dance and some played pool and never knew for example, that one of my buddies had slept with one of the monkey brothers who had brought his girl to the wedding...

and that buddy was the chillest person up in all of this wedding madness...

the rest of it was mostly silliness but i was unable to shake it off, left with the uncomfortable feeling that love really does not conquer all and perhaps we should stop all the bullshit and get some fuckin therapy..

but i might be projecting here...maybe thats just me...